Well, today is the day. Probably the worst day of the rest of my life. I will tell you why. I am a master procrastinator, a Master, mind you, I stall on everything. Anything from brushing my teeth, to paying a bill, to getting to an appointment on time. It is terrible, the procrastination, I have literally procrastinated my ass into the verge of complete bankruptcy. By complete, I mean physical, financial, emotional and mental bankruptcy. Now, there have been and are some extenuating circumstances in my life, but that is for another day. Right now I just want to talk about today, the worst day, of my life, possibly.
I am writing a book, I have been since 2008, the book is about my life. Now that may seem a little presumptuous to some, that I would write a book about my life and believe that my life is so distinct that everyone would want to read a book about it. Though I have been in a situation or two in my life that has caused great change in my life, some for the better and some for the worst, and I know people would love to hear about them. Don't worry, it all ties in with the procrastination, worst day, and the book.
As I mentioned earlier, I am a procrastinator, and being a procrastinator, I like to put things off and get to it when I am ready, doesn't matter when it is due or how important it is, I will get to it. This has not gone to well for me lately, and I am certain that being a procrastinator has exacerbated the adverse situation I find myself in today. Sometimes it wasn't all procrastination, a lot of it was based in fear. Fear of the unknown and what if's, or the combination of the two, paralyzing fear. There were days I would be so laced with fear I could barely breath. Some days I would wake up and right away I was seized with the "fear", it would take everything to just get up and out of bed and take care of myself. I was consumed with fear and pain, I wasn't sure I would make it through the day, I had to take one minute at a time, if I did any more than that I would panic. Many a days were too overwhelming and I couldn't move, I couldn't look at my mail, or clean my house, the only thing I could do was sit and live in my fear, my paralyzing fear. I needed help, and a few friends knew that I needed help. I managed to get enough love and help that I could begin to breathe, I could see past the fear, barely, but I knew I was worth more than what I was doing to myself.
So, in starting this blog it means, to me, that I am no longer going to live in fear, I am going to try each and everyday to do the next right thing, open my mail, look at my bills, pay the ones I can, go outside and enjoy the sun, engage my friends and neighbors, work and write. I am going to try and not defer, delay, postpone, prolong, neglect, lag or loiter my days away. I am shooting for diligent, proactive, busy, earnest, industrious, laborious, tireless and paistakingly persistent with my days. I want to share my experience, strength and hope so others will see they are not alone.I will persevere. I hope. If not today, there is always tomorrow.
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