Well, here I am again, day 2, not so bad. I am fighting against the procrastination, I have a tendency to delay all day everyday; it is a terrible habit to put everything off. I have a desire to move forward, become a better person, healthier in every aspect of my life. It feels good to sit here and type, again, putting myself out there for people to read about and perhaps judge me. I am staking a claim and sailing my ship in the arena of life.
I know that sounds rather contrived, but I have had a hard time participating in my life. As I said I have been absolutely paralyzed by fear, which in turn has had a very negative effect in my life, big time. Fear by it's very definition evokes anxiety, unpleasant emotion, be afraid, uncertainty. My whole life, as I look back on it, I can see the pattern of me prolonging even the simplest of things, then all hell breaks loose, I scramble, get the job done and pat myself on the back for being so good under pressure. I am nuts, the world could be falling down around me and I will just smile, say "Oh, it will all work out", and keep going, leaving the pieces behind me to land where they may. One day it all catches up with you, and here I am. Ain't life grand?
Recently I learned an acronym for the word FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real. Ha! Fear is a four letter word too! I was so fearful the past few years it was frightening, borderline breakdown fear. My behavior and practically all of my decisions have been fear based. God!! My whole life I have had a big ego and low self-esteem. This is so pitiful, as I write this I think how sad I must have been to live my life like this, fearful.
Fear is a big word. I never realized how powerful the F-word was until I stopped letting it rule my life. Believe me, that takes some doing, and I do not recommend any one going to face their fear alone. The kind of fear I am talking about is not when you see a thriller, read a book, watch a show kind of jolt, this isn't the type of fear you feel when you are uneasy about something or someone. While all of the aforementioned fears are all good and well; the type of fear I experienced made me afraid of people, places and things, everyday. I felt like I didn't fit in fear, the fear of being broke, losing my house, not selling my art and the good old comparison fear. Self-pity fear. "Why not me" fear. The I am going to screw everything up fear and the fear of becoming what I was completely fearful of and shameful of ..the poor, disabled, single mother who was always struggling. I feared myself into the very existence I was afraid of becoming. Ugh!
Well, it is late and I am tired, I planned on doing this earlier, but, well you know, I put if off til the last minute.
No comments:
Post a Comment