I cannot believe it is 12:45 am, I thought it was about 11:30 pm. Damn!! Always rushing. I hate living like this, rushing, rushing. I believe, I know all this rushing is a byproduct of procrastination and fear. Ah, fear, good old fear, will I ever be without fear? By the way, did you know that procrastination is sloth in 5 syllables? I never ever thought about procrastination as being sloth, lazy maybe, but not sloth.
The word sloth evokes an awful image. The very thought of it makes me turn my nose. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. One of the seven deadly sins! Oh my God!! I am not slothful, lazy maybe, not even, just anything but a messy sinner.
The meaning of the word sloth is laziness, indolence, a slow moving South American animal.. I am definitely not a South American animal, slow moving, sometimes, but a South American animal, no. Let's break this definition down; we have two words, laziness and indolence. According to Webster's laziness is disinclined to work or exertion; encouraging or causing indolence; sluggishly moving. Indolent is idle; lazy. Sluggish is slow, inactive, unresponsive. Now, let's look at the word sin, an offense against a religious or moral principle; transgression of the law of God; a wicked act; a misdeed or fault. Holy cats!! I am at a loss right now, how did my procrastination get so big?
I am somewhat of a wordsmith and being Irish and having 12 years of Catholic school under my belt I could really break this down, for instance I could take the word moral, which you know relates to human behavior, particularly in regards to right and wrong. Principle is a basic truth, a moral code of conduct. Now, I could take these two words, moral and principle, along with lazy and indolent and really wriggle my way out of the sin of sloth, or procrastination as some of us prefer to call it. The sad thing is the committee in my head would probably fall for it and I would be right back where I started, in a messy heap full of fear.
For the sake of the argument, I am inclined to work, in all fairness I have had 6 spine surgeries and I have lost 70% of the function from my neck down, if I do anything that involves my hands and arms for more than 5 minutes, I am completely numb. Though I do work around my physical disability, it is mostly my mental handicap that brings me to a grinding halt. I do suffer from daily, chronic pain, again I can work around it, but the unpleasant emotion, anxiety, and apprehension caused by fear grinds me to a halt.
When I stop and think, I stop. I become so focused on what is wrong, and how am I going to get this done? How am I going to fix this? How am I going to afford that? How did I get here? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do I have to be all alone? How about this? Why that? How come? Why not? All of these damn questions and emotions are horrible. They are useless, draining and uncomfortable.
There are many days when I am sluggish, that comes with the territory, and that's okay as long as I keep moving forward and continue to do the next right thing, which sometimes means resting. When I feel the other pain, the mental, apprehension, anxiety and unpleasant emotion, call fear, and let it persuade me to procrastinate instead of taking action, I suppose I am being indolent.
The worse thing about all of this talk is that there is a simple solution that is so often overlooked. I get so wrapped up in the bullshit and fear that I grind to a halt. All I need to do is stop, and start my day over. Yes, stop and start my day over. I take a deep breath, inhale the good, and blow out the bad, I accept where I am right now, then I become open and willing to do the next right thing, be honest and move forward. Oh, and I call someone and let them know what I am up to, even though that sounds crazy, sometimes the other person needs the phone call more than I do.
Procrastination and fear are defects of character. I want to grow and not let these character defects run me, like sloth/procrastination, self-pity/pride in reverse, I want to let them go and be a better person. I don't want to just "get by" in life, I want to enjoy life, help family and friends, work, travel, live life. Live life to the fullest.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I know to stay in the current condition of my defects of character can be fatal. I am not being dramatic, I am serious. I don't just want to "get by" in life I want to live, and sometimes that means taking an honest account of my defects, personality, faults, attributes and the like. I will need to let go of things, character traits that no longer serve me, and move forward. I need to be honest, open and willing with this phase of my life. I do not want to go backwards. While a long hard look at myself is unpleasant at best, it is necessary. To get an honest look at myself I will have to do more than rely on my memory. God knows if I am trying to wriggle out of the simple definition of procrastination, I am certain that I am able to mentally wriggle around quite a bit. It is best to write things down and be thorough. Sounds good, I shall give it a try. Looking at the clock, I cannot believe how time flies when you're having fun. Oh well, good night.
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