Day No. 18

What a day, I just sat down for the first time since I woke up.  Today my daughter started her sophomore year in high school, I worked all afternoon and straight into the night.  She is not happy that I wasn't here after school and that I didn't get home until 10:15 p.m..  I feel bad and she is really letting me know how unhappy she is with me.  I am to tired to get into it with her, she can be mad, I love her and that is it. 

I work in a boutique which is run by a co-op of 5 or 6 women.  Thursdays are my days and we always seem to have an event or something on Thursdays, so I am busy on my feet from 2 p.m. til 10:00 p.m.  I work with women and our customers are primarily women.  Usually everyone is very nice with a few kook's thrown in here and there.

While I enjoy my work, and I work with friends, but sometimes I feel like I don't belong.  I am not in any way shape or form saying that the women that work there or shop there make me feel this way, at all.  As a matter of fact I am very close with one of the girls and I am friends with the rest.  I am the one who feels that I don't belong.  I listen to people talk, I hear about their lives and I think to myself, how do they do it?  How do they live with a husband?  How do they live without fretting about having enough money to feed the dog for the month?  How do they go into a store and shop with out fretting if I am not going to have enough money to last the month?  How does it feel to make plans and do whatever you'd like;  make plans for trips, get away's, shopping, concerts, dinners,  etc. and not worry about money?  I wish I knew. 

Please do not misunderstand me, I am not jealous, I am not even envious, I am lost.  I have never felt good enough about myself to allow those things to happen to me.  I don't have the first clue how to live without worry and scarcity.   I have not the slightest clue how to manage all the responsibility. 

I suppose I can blame all of my character defects on how I grew up.  The fact of the matter is I have fear.  Fear of being broke, fear of people not liking me, fear of never having enough and just plain old fear.  I am tired of fear, tired of scarcity tired of living small; I am tired of living in fear.  There is so much abundance in the Universe, abundance for everyone including me.

I am no longer going to be inferior.  I am no longer keeping myself in shame.  I am no longer going to sit in self pity and fear.  I am going to do my best to become who I am really supposed to be, a successful, happy, loving, ful-filled woman.  I am sick and tired of living in less than.

Life is a journey and I am certainly not thinking that because I made a declaration that I am no longer living in fear, that everything will be coming up roses.  I will be living in the positive.