Wow, I can't believe I am writing at 10:09 pm, it's early for me. Usually I am scrambling at the computer all flustered because of the time. I was cleaning before I sat down and of course I was thinking. I was/am thinking about settling, abuse, change and action. To look at it in print it seems scattered. Trust me, it's not.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
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