Alright, here I am. Back on track. Trying to do the daily blog. I must tell you, lately I have really been thinking and I am full of fear and doubt. I am writing much later than I had intended to, so I am going to just hit on what I am thinking. I am terrified of me, my life and who I am. What if I am not enough? Am I talented? Do people care? I am alone, I don't have any money and for the first time in my life I am left with me. Somehow I am not comforted by that realization.
All I know is that I feel like I am in a world of shit.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day No. 32 Happy Birthday Lizzie!!!! The big 15! I love you!!
Today is my daughter's 15th b-day, where has all the time gone? I love you Lizzie Lou. Off to work and more tomorrow.
Day No. 31
I am feeling better today, I have calmed down a bit. I am still sickened by the fact that I saw that awful woman. It was bad timing. just an hour before my bf told me that her niece showed up at her house with her toddler and baby the day before. Of course my friend wanted to see the kids and it was an emotional visit, it was the first time she had seen the kids, ever, so I know she was happy, but cautious, or so she told me in the conversation. I didn't expect the ill-bred tramp that day right after I heard she had been at my friend's house. Obviously there is more to the story, so here goes.
A couple of years ago, I started going through a rough time. It started about roughly the end of 2007 , beginning of 2008. Also during that time I had started putting on weight, it was like I was on a opposite diet. Instead of the less I eat the more weight I lose, it was the less I eat the more weight I put on, I had ended a relationship and I felt like crap. My best friend has a coffee shop that I went to everyday and we would talk, sometimes for hours and other times just for an hour. There are several people that go in there on a regular basis so it is almost like a little community. During the time I was beginning to hit a wall, my bf's mom was in the process of moving in with her and her sister. My bf sister lives in Texas with her husband and daughter, so they had come to Chicago to figure out the situation with her mom. At that time the niece, moved to Chicago. Now, I had met this girl a couple of times and she seemed okay. She was very thin, with capped teeth, a long face and she was very loud. Her parents are well to do, so you would come to the conclusion that perhaps she was spoiled and that could explain some of her behavior. She was not right, too old to behaving the way she did, but it is my best friend's niece, so she was tolerable.
After the niece moved to Chicago she came to the coffee shop just about everyday. She was very loud, crazy loud, the kind of loud you know people are doing for attention and they think they are so funny, cute and witty but they really obnoxious. In talking to her it seemed she knew everything and that her word was gospel. . I think back to that time and I can see it in my mind, God, just writing about her is uncomfortably exhausting.
After she had been here a little bit, I was beginning to sense that she wasn't to keen on me, but that was okay, because I didn't care about her, she was nothing to me. I could see that my bf was uncomfortable too. We talked and I told her that I was fine, it would all work out and not to worry. Boy, was I wrong.
The niece started coming in the shop all the time, she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome as well as uncomfortable. When she came in and I was there she would give me dirty looks, then sit down a seat away from me and slam her stuff down. I would talk and she interrupt me then start speaking in Greek. She would be so loud it was awful. Even when my daughter was with me she went out of her way to be rude. I wanted to be a good example for my child and not respond to her actions. She ran other customers out because she was so loud and spoke in Greek, when anyone started to talk to her aunt, she would interject in Greek. It was so ill-mannered. Ugh! I can picture her smug, ugly face and hear her voice, I have a headache now.
She was putting so much pressure on my bf to stop talking to me and hanging around with me it was sad. I could see the strain on my bf, she would just shake her head at me when her niece came in. If my bf talked about me and the niece was there she would start in about me. This woman was so childish and bad-mannered. Her behavior was bad it made you wonder if something was mentally wrong with her and why didn't her parents help her, after all her father is a physician. I also thought what kind of mother raises a person like this. Up until that time, with the exceptions of a marriage or two, she lived with her parents, now they knew how she behaved. Maybe they were tired though, just because someone needs help, if they are of legal age you can't force them to take it.
Finally after a few months of this our friendship was beginning to feel the strain. I went into the shop one day and Maggie, the niece was sitting near the coffee bar with a few other patrons. Every time I spoke she was rude, she would maneuver in front of me so I could not sit down. My best friend said nothing. Not a word. Not one word.
I was crushed. I was so hurt. I thought of my daughter and my eyes welled up. My daughter loved my best friend, what would she think if she saw this. I knew right then and there everything had changed and I was not coming back.
I could no longer put with this nut in my life, even though this two-bit tramp was a small part of my day, my bf was a huge part of my life. Unfortunately they were related. I also realized our friendship didn't warrant my bf sticking up for me and taking a stand for our friendship by telling her niece enough was enough. On that day I saw where I stood, and it was alone.
I also knew that I was so angry that I needed to leave the situation. I did not want my child to see any more of the behavior from the niece and from my bf. If it was upsetting confusing for me, it would be even more confusing and upsetting to her. So I left and never went back. Without my knowing it, I had taken one of the first steps to getting better.
A couple of years ago, I started going through a rough time. It started about roughly the end of 2007 , beginning of 2008. Also during that time I had started putting on weight, it was like I was on a opposite diet. Instead of the less I eat the more weight I lose, it was the less I eat the more weight I put on, I had ended a relationship and I felt like crap. My best friend has a coffee shop that I went to everyday and we would talk, sometimes for hours and other times just for an hour. There are several people that go in there on a regular basis so it is almost like a little community. During the time I was beginning to hit a wall, my bf's mom was in the process of moving in with her and her sister. My bf sister lives in Texas with her husband and daughter, so they had come to Chicago to figure out the situation with her mom. At that time the niece, moved to Chicago. Now, I had met this girl a couple of times and she seemed okay. She was very thin, with capped teeth, a long face and she was very loud. Her parents are well to do, so you would come to the conclusion that perhaps she was spoiled and that could explain some of her behavior. She was not right, too old to behaving the way she did, but it is my best friend's niece, so she was tolerable.
After the niece moved to Chicago she came to the coffee shop just about everyday. She was very loud, crazy loud, the kind of loud you know people are doing for attention and they think they are so funny, cute and witty but they really obnoxious. In talking to her it seemed she knew everything and that her word was gospel. . I think back to that time and I can see it in my mind, God, just writing about her is uncomfortably exhausting.
After she had been here a little bit, I was beginning to sense that she wasn't to keen on me, but that was okay, because I didn't care about her, she was nothing to me. I could see that my bf was uncomfortable too. We talked and I told her that I was fine, it would all work out and not to worry. Boy, was I wrong.
The niece started coming in the shop all the time, she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome as well as uncomfortable. When she came in and I was there she would give me dirty looks, then sit down a seat away from me and slam her stuff down. I would talk and she interrupt me then start speaking in Greek. She would be so loud it was awful. Even when my daughter was with me she went out of her way to be rude. I wanted to be a good example for my child and not respond to her actions. She ran other customers out because she was so loud and spoke in Greek, when anyone started to talk to her aunt, she would interject in Greek. It was so ill-mannered. Ugh! I can picture her smug, ugly face and hear her voice, I have a headache now.
She was putting so much pressure on my bf to stop talking to me and hanging around with me it was sad. I could see the strain on my bf, she would just shake her head at me when her niece came in. If my bf talked about me and the niece was there she would start in about me. This woman was so childish and bad-mannered. Her behavior was bad it made you wonder if something was mentally wrong with her and why didn't her parents help her, after all her father is a physician. I also thought what kind of mother raises a person like this. Up until that time, with the exceptions of a marriage or two, she lived with her parents, now they knew how she behaved. Maybe they were tired though, just because someone needs help, if they are of legal age you can't force them to take it.
Finally after a few months of this our friendship was beginning to feel the strain. I went into the shop one day and Maggie, the niece was sitting near the coffee bar with a few other patrons. Every time I spoke she was rude, she would maneuver in front of me so I could not sit down. My best friend said nothing. Not a word. Not one word.
I was crushed. I was so hurt. I thought of my daughter and my eyes welled up. My daughter loved my best friend, what would she think if she saw this. I knew right then and there everything had changed and I was not coming back.
I could no longer put with this nut in my life, even though this two-bit tramp was a small part of my day, my bf was a huge part of my life. Unfortunately they were related. I also realized our friendship didn't warrant my bf sticking up for me and taking a stand for our friendship by telling her niece enough was enough. On that day I saw where I stood, and it was alone.
I also knew that I was so angry that I needed to leave the situation. I did not want my child to see any more of the behavior from the niece and from my bf. If it was upsetting confusing for me, it would be even more confusing and upsetting to her. So I left and never went back. Without my knowing it, I had taken one of the first steps to getting better.
Days No. 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, & 30 Self-Worth
Hello!!!
I am alive & well. I finally got some good rest and I am ready and rearing to go. Last Friday I laid down for a nap at 2:00 p.m. and I woke up at 11:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now that you know what happened and I am on this side of the dirt, I will get down to the nitty gritty.
As I write this my stomach is in a knot. I have been faced with the inevitable and I don't know how to handle the situation. I ran into a ill-bred woman who was responsible for a break of a friendship that was very dear to me, I considered this woman to be a best-friend, but the ill-bread woman is her niece, and caused a tremendous amount of trouble between us, hence we stopped talking.. Since the break my bf has stopped talking to her niece due to something else. My friend and I are now talking and the ill-bred woman started talking to my bf again and today she came into her establishment. I was there and I saw her, I had to leave there so fast because the amount of anger I felt was over-whelming.
Gotta go, I have to calm down.
I am alive & well. I finally got some good rest and I am ready and rearing to go. Last Friday I laid down for a nap at 2:00 p.m. and I woke up at 11:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now that you know what happened and I am on this side of the dirt, I will get down to the nitty gritty.
As I write this my stomach is in a knot. I have been faced with the inevitable and I don't know how to handle the situation. I ran into a ill-bred woman who was responsible for a break of a friendship that was very dear to me, I considered this woman to be a best-friend, but the ill-bread woman is her niece, and caused a tremendous amount of trouble between us, hence we stopped talking.. Since the break my bf has stopped talking to her niece due to something else. My friend and I are now talking and the ill-bred woman started talking to my bf again and today she came into her establishment. I was there and I saw her, I had to leave there so fast because the amount of anger I felt was over-whelming.
Gotta go, I have to calm down.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Day No. 24
Wow, I can't believe I am writing at 10:09 pm, it's early for me. Usually I am scrambling at the computer all flustered because of the time. I was cleaning before I sat down and of course I was thinking. I was/am thinking about settling, abuse, change and action. To look at it in print it seems scattered. Trust me, it's not.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
Day No. 23
I cannot believe it is 12:45 am, I thought it was about 11:30 pm. Damn!! Always rushing. I hate living like this, rushing, rushing. I believe, I know all this rushing is a byproduct of procrastination and fear. Ah, fear, good old fear, will I ever be without fear? By the way, did you know that procrastination is sloth in 5 syllables? I never ever thought about procrastination as being sloth, lazy maybe, but not sloth.
The word sloth evokes an awful image. The very thought of it makes me turn my nose. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. One of the seven deadly sins! Oh my God!! I am not slothful, lazy maybe, not even, just anything but a messy sinner.
The meaning of the word sloth is laziness, indolence, a slow moving South American animal.. I am definitely not a South American animal, slow moving, sometimes, but a South American animal, no. Let's break this definition down; we have two words, laziness and indolence. According to Webster's laziness is disinclined to work or exertion; encouraging or causing indolence; sluggishly moving. Indolent is idle; lazy. Sluggish is slow, inactive, unresponsive. Now, let's look at the word sin, an offense against a religious or moral principle; transgression of the law of God; a wicked act; a misdeed or fault. Holy cats!! I am at a loss right now, how did my procrastination get so big?
I am somewhat of a wordsmith and being Irish and having 12 years of Catholic school under my belt I could really break this down, for instance I could take the word moral, which you know relates to human behavior, particularly in regards to right and wrong. Principle is a basic truth, a moral code of conduct. Now, I could take these two words, moral and principle, along with lazy and indolent and really wriggle my way out of the sin of sloth, or procrastination as some of us prefer to call it. The sad thing is the committee in my head would probably fall for it and I would be right back where I started, in a messy heap full of fear.
For the sake of the argument, I am inclined to work, in all fairness I have had 6 spine surgeries and I have lost 70% of the function from my neck down, if I do anything that involves my hands and arms for more than 5 minutes, I am completely numb. Though I do work around my physical disability, it is mostly my mental handicap that brings me to a grinding halt. I do suffer from daily, chronic pain, again I can work around it, but the unpleasant emotion, anxiety, and apprehension caused by fear grinds me to a halt.
When I stop and think, I stop. I become so focused on what is wrong, and how am I going to get this done? How am I going to fix this? How am I going to afford that? How did I get here? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do I have to be all alone? How about this? Why that? How come? Why not? All of these damn questions and emotions are horrible. They are useless, draining and uncomfortable.
There are many days when I am sluggish, that comes with the territory, and that's okay as long as I keep moving forward and continue to do the next right thing, which sometimes means resting. When I feel the other pain, the mental, apprehension, anxiety and unpleasant emotion, call fear, and let it persuade me to procrastinate instead of taking action, I suppose I am being indolent.
The worse thing about all of this talk is that there is a simple solution that is so often overlooked. I get so wrapped up in the bullshit and fear that I grind to a halt. All I need to do is stop, and start my day over. Yes, stop and start my day over. I take a deep breath, inhale the good, and blow out the bad, I accept where I am right now, then I become open and willing to do the next right thing, be honest and move forward. Oh, and I call someone and let them know what I am up to, even though that sounds crazy, sometimes the other person needs the phone call more than I do.
Procrastination and fear are defects of character. I want to grow and not let these character defects run me, like sloth/procrastination, self-pity/pride in reverse, I want to let them go and be a better person. I don't want to just "get by" in life, I want to enjoy life, help family and friends, work, travel, live life. Live life to the fullest.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I know to stay in the current condition of my defects of character can be fatal. I am not being dramatic, I am serious. I don't just want to "get by" in life I want to live, and sometimes that means taking an honest account of my defects, personality, faults, attributes and the like. I will need to let go of things, character traits that no longer serve me, and move forward. I need to be honest, open and willing with this phase of my life. I do not want to go backwards. While a long hard look at myself is unpleasant at best, it is necessary. To get an honest look at myself I will have to do more than rely on my memory. God knows if I am trying to wriggle out of the simple definition of procrastination, I am certain that I am able to mentally wriggle around quite a bit. It is best to write things down and be thorough. Sounds good, I shall give it a try. Looking at the clock, I cannot believe how time flies when you're having fun. Oh well, good night.
The word sloth evokes an awful image. The very thought of it makes me turn my nose. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. One of the seven deadly sins! Oh my God!! I am not slothful, lazy maybe, not even, just anything but a messy sinner.
The meaning of the word sloth is laziness, indolence, a slow moving South American animal.. I am definitely not a South American animal, slow moving, sometimes, but a South American animal, no. Let's break this definition down; we have two words, laziness and indolence. According to Webster's laziness is disinclined to work or exertion; encouraging or causing indolence; sluggishly moving. Indolent is idle; lazy. Sluggish is slow, inactive, unresponsive. Now, let's look at the word sin, an offense against a religious or moral principle; transgression of the law of God; a wicked act; a misdeed or fault. Holy cats!! I am at a loss right now, how did my procrastination get so big?
I am somewhat of a wordsmith and being Irish and having 12 years of Catholic school under my belt I could really break this down, for instance I could take the word moral, which you know relates to human behavior, particularly in regards to right and wrong. Principle is a basic truth, a moral code of conduct. Now, I could take these two words, moral and principle, along with lazy and indolent and really wriggle my way out of the sin of sloth, or procrastination as some of us prefer to call it. The sad thing is the committee in my head would probably fall for it and I would be right back where I started, in a messy heap full of fear.
For the sake of the argument, I am inclined to work, in all fairness I have had 6 spine surgeries and I have lost 70% of the function from my neck down, if I do anything that involves my hands and arms for more than 5 minutes, I am completely numb. Though I do work around my physical disability, it is mostly my mental handicap that brings me to a grinding halt. I do suffer from daily, chronic pain, again I can work around it, but the unpleasant emotion, anxiety, and apprehension caused by fear grinds me to a halt.
When I stop and think, I stop. I become so focused on what is wrong, and how am I going to get this done? How am I going to fix this? How am I going to afford that? How did I get here? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do I have to be all alone? How about this? Why that? How come? Why not? All of these damn questions and emotions are horrible. They are useless, draining and uncomfortable.
There are many days when I am sluggish, that comes with the territory, and that's okay as long as I keep moving forward and continue to do the next right thing, which sometimes means resting. When I feel the other pain, the mental, apprehension, anxiety and unpleasant emotion, call fear, and let it persuade me to procrastinate instead of taking action, I suppose I am being indolent.
The worse thing about all of this talk is that there is a simple solution that is so often overlooked. I get so wrapped up in the bullshit and fear that I grind to a halt. All I need to do is stop, and start my day over. Yes, stop and start my day over. I take a deep breath, inhale the good, and blow out the bad, I accept where I am right now, then I become open and willing to do the next right thing, be honest and move forward. Oh, and I call someone and let them know what I am up to, even though that sounds crazy, sometimes the other person needs the phone call more than I do.
Procrastination and fear are defects of character. I want to grow and not let these character defects run me, like sloth/procrastination, self-pity/pride in reverse, I want to let them go and be a better person. I don't want to just "get by" in life, I want to enjoy life, help family and friends, work, travel, live life. Live life to the fullest.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I know to stay in the current condition of my defects of character can be fatal. I am not being dramatic, I am serious. I don't just want to "get by" in life I want to live, and sometimes that means taking an honest account of my defects, personality, faults, attributes and the like. I will need to let go of things, character traits that no longer serve me, and move forward. I need to be honest, open and willing with this phase of my life. I do not want to go backwards. While a long hard look at myself is unpleasant at best, it is necessary. To get an honest look at myself I will have to do more than rely on my memory. God knows if I am trying to wriggle out of the simple definition of procrastination, I am certain that I am able to mentally wriggle around quite a bit. It is best to write things down and be thorough. Sounds good, I shall give it a try. Looking at the clock, I cannot believe how time flies when you're having fun. Oh well, good night.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Days No. 21 & 22
I am so aggravated with myself that I didn't write last night. When I got home I was totally spent, I laid down and couldn't move a muscle.I was barely able to wake to see Lizzie of to school. Now, I am going to catch up on some sleep. Goodnight.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Day No. 20
I am exhausted, I am in terrible pain and I am throwing up. I have worked since Thursday, I am miserable. Good night.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Day No. 18
What a day, I just sat down for the first time since I woke up. Today my daughter started her sophomore year in high school, I worked all afternoon and straight into the night. She is not happy that I wasn't here after school and that I didn't get home until 10:15 p.m.. I feel bad and she is really letting me know how unhappy she is with me. I am to tired to get into it with her, she can be mad, I love her and that is it.
I work in a boutique which is run by a co-op of 5 or 6 women. Thursdays are my days and we always seem to have an event or something on Thursdays, so I am busy on my feet from 2 p.m. til 10:00 p.m. I work with women and our customers are primarily women. Usually everyone is very nice with a few kook's thrown in here and there.
While I enjoy my work, and I work with friends, but sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I am not in any way shape or form saying that the women that work there or shop there make me feel this way, at all. As a matter of fact I am very close with one of the girls and I am friends with the rest. I am the one who feels that I don't belong. I listen to people talk, I hear about their lives and I think to myself, how do they do it? How do they live with a husband? How do they live without fretting about having enough money to feed the dog for the month? How do they go into a store and shop with out fretting if I am not going to have enough money to last the month? How does it feel to make plans and do whatever you'd like; make plans for trips, get away's, shopping, concerts, dinners, etc. and not worry about money? I wish I knew.
Please do not misunderstand me, I am not jealous, I am not even envious, I am lost. I have never felt good enough about myself to allow those things to happen to me. I don't have the first clue how to live without worry and scarcity. I have not the slightest clue how to manage all the responsibility.
I suppose I can blame all of my character defects on how I grew up. The fact of the matter is I have fear. Fear of being broke, fear of people not liking me, fear of never having enough and just plain old fear. I am tired of fear, tired of scarcity tired of living small; I am tired of living in fear. There is so much abundance in the Universe, abundance for everyone including me.
I am no longer going to be inferior. I am no longer keeping myself in shame. I am no longer going to sit in self pity and fear. I am going to do my best to become who I am really supposed to be, a successful, happy, loving, ful-filled woman. I am sick and tired of living in less than.
Life is a journey and I am certainly not thinking that because I made a declaration that I am no longer living in fear, that everything will be coming up roses. I will be living in the positive.
I work in a boutique which is run by a co-op of 5 or 6 women. Thursdays are my days and we always seem to have an event or something on Thursdays, so I am busy on my feet from 2 p.m. til 10:00 p.m. I work with women and our customers are primarily women. Usually everyone is very nice with a few kook's thrown in here and there.
While I enjoy my work, and I work with friends, but sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I am not in any way shape or form saying that the women that work there or shop there make me feel this way, at all. As a matter of fact I am very close with one of the girls and I am friends with the rest. I am the one who feels that I don't belong. I listen to people talk, I hear about their lives and I think to myself, how do they do it? How do they live with a husband? How do they live without fretting about having enough money to feed the dog for the month? How do they go into a store and shop with out fretting if I am not going to have enough money to last the month? How does it feel to make plans and do whatever you'd like; make plans for trips, get away's, shopping, concerts, dinners, etc. and not worry about money? I wish I knew.
Please do not misunderstand me, I am not jealous, I am not even envious, I am lost. I have never felt good enough about myself to allow those things to happen to me. I don't have the first clue how to live without worry and scarcity. I have not the slightest clue how to manage all the responsibility.
I suppose I can blame all of my character defects on how I grew up. The fact of the matter is I have fear. Fear of being broke, fear of people not liking me, fear of never having enough and just plain old fear. I am tired of fear, tired of scarcity tired of living small; I am tired of living in fear. There is so much abundance in the Universe, abundance for everyone including me.
I am no longer going to be inferior. I am no longer keeping myself in shame. I am no longer going to sit in self pity and fear. I am going to do my best to become who I am really supposed to be, a successful, happy, loving, ful-filled woman. I am sick and tired of living in less than.
Life is a journey and I am certainly not thinking that because I made a declaration that I am no longer living in fear, that everything will be coming up roses. I will be living in the positive.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Day No. 17
I am the worst blogger, mother in the world. My daughter starts school tomorrow so today we went downtown and did some shopping. We were out much longer than we thought we would be. We get home, I realize nothing is ready, she has to finish her summer work and we can't find her schedule. Goddamn.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Day No. 16
Well, here I am again, late at night trying to blog but I am just about to drop off to bed. Know why I am late getting to my blog? Because I procrastinated! Same old shit different day. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Aaaahhhh! Fuck me!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Day No. 15
I am going to be short and sweet, did laundry and frittered the day away. I am so tired of lazy frittering. There is a underlying theme to this, fear and laziness. Good night.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Day No. 14 (with a bit of Day 13)
It is Sunday night and here I am again, and I feel like a jerk because I didn't blog last night. I was out like a light Saturday night. The weather makes my bones hurt and when it get's bad I am done for, down for the count. Today I thought we were for sure going to have rain, the clouds were so dark this afternoon. I like thunderstorms sometimes, and I love lightning! This summer we have had some crazy storms, and as you all know I flooded, but wow they were awesome storms.
Thunderstorms take me out of myself, they are electric, loud, shiny, forceful, blinding, powerful and beautiful all at once. Kind of like me when I am wasted. Ha-ha! I do not drink, I have not had a drink for over 13 years. I was kidding about the drink but I was serious about the thunderstorms.
As I said before, I love T-storms and even heavy snow storms, they take me out of myself. I feel the charge of energy, the blowing wind goes right to my core. I love it. I don't even mind being outside in the storms once in awhile. Last year, at the end of summer I took my dog for a walk, we went to the football/baseball field at Taft High School in Chicago. The wind started kicking up with a cool breeze mixed in and the clouds started moving. I sat there in the field enjoying the shift, it was magical.
What I mean by the storms take me out of myself is for the time it is storming I don't have to think about bills, being broke, my disability. I don't have to compare my insides to somebody else's outsides. I am out of my fear, shame and guilt. I am just a spot, speck, a being in the storm. Nature doesn't care about being broke, nature doesn't care that I don't have a car or my struggles. Nature makes sure that everything is cared for either by rain or by snow or whatever. Nature just does her thing. After the storm everything is cleans, shiny, sometimes muggy, but that's okay. The storms bring everything back to life, even me, for just a moment.
Well, I am going to hit the bricks, I have a lot of work to do. I am going to close with one little ditty I found years ago: Today's might Oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground..
Thunderstorms take me out of myself, they are electric, loud, shiny, forceful, blinding, powerful and beautiful all at once. Kind of like me when I am wasted. Ha-ha! I do not drink, I have not had a drink for over 13 years. I was kidding about the drink but I was serious about the thunderstorms.
As I said before, I love T-storms and even heavy snow storms, they take me out of myself. I feel the charge of energy, the blowing wind goes right to my core. I love it. I don't even mind being outside in the storms once in awhile. Last year, at the end of summer I took my dog for a walk, we went to the football/baseball field at Taft High School in Chicago. The wind started kicking up with a cool breeze mixed in and the clouds started moving. I sat there in the field enjoying the shift, it was magical.
What I mean by the storms take me out of myself is for the time it is storming I don't have to think about bills, being broke, my disability. I don't have to compare my insides to somebody else's outsides. I am out of my fear, shame and guilt. I am just a spot, speck, a being in the storm. Nature doesn't care about being broke, nature doesn't care that I don't have a car or my struggles. Nature makes sure that everything is cared for either by rain or by snow or whatever. Nature just does her thing. After the storm everything is cleans, shiny, sometimes muggy, but that's okay. The storms bring everything back to life, even me, for just a moment.
Well, I am going to hit the bricks, I have a lot of work to do. I am going to close with one little ditty I found years ago: Today's might Oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground..
Friday, August 12, 2011
Day No. 12
I am losing it. I cannot remember if I wrote a blog yesterday. I thought I did, but yet my dates do not indicate that I wrote on August 11, 2010. Well, anyways, I just got home from Challenger Comics, they were having an event with the writer, illustrator and cover artists for Batman. It was a great time. Challenger is a great place and the people are even better.
Well, as you know, I am off to bed.
Well, as you know, I am off to bed.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Day No. 11
Wow, I am in a rush today. I can't wait to get my house in order. All of my houses, literally and physically. I am hearing the word fear everywhere, on TV, the El, shopping, meetings, all over the place. It is kind of like a sign from the Universe that I am on the right track, I still have some fear to work on and I should keep moving forward.
I love life. More on that tomorrow.
I love life. More on that tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Day 10
I am very tired. Last week I had water in my basement due to my central air. This is the 2nd time this month I got water, the 1st time was due to the storm. In cleaning up the basement I/we are going through things and getting rid of a lot of everything, clothes, dishes, games, etc. My daughter has several American Girl Dolls and a ton of accessories. Of course they got wet, only a few dolls but almost everything else. I had to wash three large loads of doll clothes, re-organized the stuff, put the items in plastic, the whole nine yards. It was like having more kids with the mess, laundry and cleaning. Needless to say I am exhausted.
On that note I bid you good night.
On that note I bid you good night.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Day No. 9
Today I have done nothing but clean up the basement, pull things out of boxes, throw things out, I still have to break up a dresser for the garbage. I also did 3 loads of American Girl doll clothes while my daughter wiped all of the accessories with bleach & water. I have not sat down.
I am in the family room sorting American Girl clothes and a commercial comes on the TV. The music is a beat with the words ..."drop it like it's hot"......."drop it like it's hot"....blah, blah, blah..... there is a guy driving a car in through the neighborhood, and this girl dressed like a '70's misfit is moving around the sidewalk like she is having stomach cramps, flash forward to a backyard party, all the while "drop it like it's hot" is in the background. Turns out the commercial is for a liquor, a canned liquor, hence the stomach cramps I assume. My real question is what the hell is "drop it like it's hot"? What? What is being dropped? What is so hot that it has to be dropped? Why was the girl shaking her fanny around? Shouldn't she be using her hands to pick up things? Does the liquor make things feel so hot you need to drop it? Oh dear, I hope this drink doesn't make people pick things up via their rump! How gross!! Ugh the thought of that...could you imagine the sales clerk thanking you for your purchase, turning around so you can take the package from the rear! How would she give your change? Oh I don't even want to know!!
Well, on that gross note I am going back to folding American Girl doll clothes and go to sleep. Hopefully I will not be dreaming of "drop it like it's hot", that would be a nightmare.
I am in the family room sorting American Girl clothes and a commercial comes on the TV. The music is a beat with the words ..."drop it like it's hot"......."drop it like it's hot"....blah, blah, blah..... there is a guy driving a car in through the neighborhood, and this girl dressed like a '70's misfit is moving around the sidewalk like she is having stomach cramps, flash forward to a backyard party, all the while "drop it like it's hot" is in the background. Turns out the commercial is for a liquor, a canned liquor, hence the stomach cramps I assume. My real question is what the hell is "drop it like it's hot"? What? What is being dropped? What is so hot that it has to be dropped? Why was the girl shaking her fanny around? Shouldn't she be using her hands to pick up things? Does the liquor make things feel so hot you need to drop it? Oh dear, I hope this drink doesn't make people pick things up via their rump! How gross!! Ugh the thought of that...could you imagine the sales clerk thanking you for your purchase, turning around so you can take the package from the rear! How would she give your change? Oh I don't even want to know!!
Well, on that gross note I am going back to folding American Girl doll clothes and go to sleep. Hopefully I will not be dreaming of "drop it like it's hot", that would be a nightmare.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Day No. 8
Today has been a very productive day. I have cleaned, done some paperwork, took the dog for a walk and went to the bank. Through out my day I usually have the TV on. Sometimes I watch it or glance at it, but it is always on. While I was going about my business Juliana & Bill were and Bill Rancic was speaking to a group of people in New York. He was speaking about decision making, planning and success. Towards the very end of his speech, he said "the difference between very successful people and people who work and just go along, is fear" (this quote is not verbatim). I stopped what I was doing and replayed the comment to make sure I heard him right. I agree with him, fear keeps me in complacency. Fear feeds doubt and insecurity which keeps me doing just enough to get by, helps me build resentments and feeds my inferiority. Fear is a waste of energy.
I was told of an American Indian proverb where a young boy is listening to his grandfather telling him about the struggle between the light and dark inside of a man. Inside of man lived two wolves, one wolf is full of fear, anger, jealousy, inferiority, shame, all the the dark that plagues man. The other wolf is full of love, light, positivity, love, happiness, kindness, all the good the embraces man. The child listened to his grandfather's story with earnest, as his grandfather told him how each day was a struggle between the wolves to win. The child finally asked "Grandfather, who wins?" To which his grandfather replied,"the one you feed".
I am well aware of that struggle, I have decided, successfully to feed the good ambitious, fearless wolf.
I was told of an American Indian proverb where a young boy is listening to his grandfather telling him about the struggle between the light and dark inside of a man. Inside of man lived two wolves, one wolf is full of fear, anger, jealousy, inferiority, shame, all the the dark that plagues man. The other wolf is full of love, light, positivity, love, happiness, kindness, all the good the embraces man. The child listened to his grandfather's story with earnest, as his grandfather told him how each day was a struggle between the wolves to win. The child finally asked "Grandfather, who wins?" To which his grandfather replied,"the one you feed".
I am well aware of that struggle, I have decided, successfully to feed the good ambitious, fearless wolf.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Day 7
I am shocked that it is after midnight. I am going to bed. I am blogging right now because I want to keep my streak going, so good night.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Day 6
Holy cats! I did it again, it is after midnight. I am really turning into a night owl. This is going to be a very short tidbit. During the storm last week, I got water. We(I) managed to clean most of it with very little help from my kids. Bleach, throwing thing out and so on. Then water is coming through the walls and I look and look, I knew it wasn't a pipe because it was coming from the baseboard, lo and behold my air conditioner was leaking. I have central air and the unit is in the furnace room. Apparently the condenser broke and water was everywhere, again. My HVAC guy came over and fixed it, his name Tom Byrne, Byrne Heating & Conditioner, 847-638-7218, he is amazing, kind and reasonable, he takes great pride in his work, I highly recommend him. If anyone needs heating & air work, Tom is your guy. So tonight my daughter and I went crazy in the basement with bleach, the wetvac, everything, so hence I am very tired. With that I bid you good night and I will talk to you later.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Day No. 5(sort of)
OMG! I am so bad, very bad. I pray everyday, "God, please let me be of service today and follow your will." Damn it if I don't mess it up! I got home today about 7:30pm, I had left my house at 2:20pm with my daughter. We went to the eye doctor(which took forever), we grabbed a snack, went for a walk then went to my mother-in-law's house and had dinner then visited for awhile. I planned to clean when I got home, I am still disorganized because my basement flooded in the storm, and my compressor/condensor(?) from my a/c is leaking. My HVAC guy is coming this weekend, so I am still sucking up water with my wet vac. I have so much housework to do and guess what I did? Go ahead, guess. I will give you three guesses and the first 2 don't count. YES!! You got it! I procrastinated! Sat on my ass, tended my farm, played Bejeweled Blitz, looked up Real Housewives on Facebook, let Zac Bagans know that I did not like his new show, Paranormal Challenge and let him know I was tired of watching Ghost Adventure reruns and that I was considering not watching his show anymore because of the aforementioned grievances. Very important stuff. So, because of my getting side lined with BS, not a thing was done, nothing, No-Thing was done. Unbelievable.
I also intended to get to my blog earlier, I had anticipated being in bed by now. I could say that it took me this long to thing of a witty topic. Yes, a witty topic, that's it! I was searching for a witty topic in my farm, in Bejeweled Blitz, on Zac Bagans page, I even checked with a few of Bravo's housewives to see if they had anything interesting or inspiring(ha-ha) to speak about. Unfortunately my search went on way too long, but I did type today, which is progress.
See not only do I procrastinate, I start things and don't finish, been this way my whole life. Maybe it's boredom, inconsistency, short attention span, or maybe it is a low self-esteem issue with a dash of fear. I also get lost, confounded and suffer from no direction, ever. Even when I was a kid I had no direction or guidance. I was the youngest of 5 and my next closest sibling was 10-1/2 years older than me. It was like there were two families, them and me. My parents were older when they had me, my dad was 42yo and my mom was 37yo when I was born, back in 1967 that was considered older to have a baby, but we are Irish, and back in the day most Irish had big families, it seems they just kept having kids till they couldn't anymore.
When I was little my brothers were in high school and my other brother and sister were in junior high. I was with my sister a lot, she always babysat me. I kid you not, when I grew up there was no one in charge, my parents were tired and my siblings were starting families of their own. I am closer in age to a couple of nieces and nephews than I am to my siblings. I look back and I think "Where did/do I fit in?" Even today at parties I find myself with the kids.
Well enough about me, I am now getting tired. I am going to start writing earlier so I don't get sleepy. I must seem like a jerk, I just pop up, write a bit, tell you how tired I am then leave. Oh well, like I said before, there is always tomorrow.
I also intended to get to my blog earlier, I had anticipated being in bed by now. I could say that it took me this long to thing of a witty topic. Yes, a witty topic, that's it! I was searching for a witty topic in my farm, in Bejeweled Blitz, on Zac Bagans page, I even checked with a few of Bravo's housewives to see if they had anything interesting or inspiring(ha-ha) to speak about. Unfortunately my search went on way too long, but I did type today, which is progress.
See not only do I procrastinate, I start things and don't finish, been this way my whole life. Maybe it's boredom, inconsistency, short attention span, or maybe it is a low self-esteem issue with a dash of fear. I also get lost, confounded and suffer from no direction, ever. Even when I was a kid I had no direction or guidance. I was the youngest of 5 and my next closest sibling was 10-1/2 years older than me. It was like there were two families, them and me. My parents were older when they had me, my dad was 42yo and my mom was 37yo when I was born, back in 1967 that was considered older to have a baby, but we are Irish, and back in the day most Irish had big families, it seems they just kept having kids till they couldn't anymore.
When I was little my brothers were in high school and my other brother and sister were in junior high. I was with my sister a lot, she always babysat me. I kid you not, when I grew up there was no one in charge, my parents were tired and my siblings were starting families of their own. I am closer in age to a couple of nieces and nephews than I am to my siblings. I look back and I think "Where did/do I fit in?" Even today at parties I find myself with the kids.
Well enough about me, I am now getting tired. I am going to start writing earlier so I don't get sleepy. I must seem like a jerk, I just pop up, write a bit, tell you how tired I am then leave. Oh well, like I said before, there is always tomorrow.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Day No. 4
Wow, what a day. I just got home from work, I started at 2:30pm. I work every Thursday at a Co-Op that I belong to called The Hotel California Co-Op. We sell clothes, jewelry, home goods, all kinds of stuff. Everything is brand new with the exception of a few vintage and antique goods. I make jewelry, I am a lapidarist and metalsmith by trade. Which means I cut a polish stones, semi-precious, precious and minerals and I forge all of the jewelry by hand either by lost wax casting or by hand, I use pure gold and silver, melt it down with a high grade copper for alloy and form the metal from there, usually I melt it to an ingot then hand roll the ingot into sheet, then go from there. I love it, and I love to write. I am very blessed, considering where I was mentally even a few short months ago.
Fear has been the primary motivator my whole life. As I think back I shudder at how I felt this time last year. Unfortunately, like last night, my brain is fried. I will continue our conversation tomorrow. Good night to all.
Fear has been the primary motivator my whole life. As I think back I shudder at how I felt this time last year. Unfortunately, like last night, my brain is fried. I will continue our conversation tomorrow. Good night to all.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Day No. 3 (technically)
Uuuuggggghhhh! Technically it is Thursday being after midnight and all, but I am still calling it Day No. 3 because
this is my 3rd blog. I had an ok day, fought with my son, that was shitty, though all in all very good. I went out to dinner tonight that is why I am late. I am very tired also, so this is it for my blog. Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs(eeewwww) bite.
this is my 3rd blog. I had an ok day, fought with my son, that was shitty, though all in all very good. I went out to dinner tonight that is why I am late. I am very tired also, so this is it for my blog. Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs(eeewwww) bite.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Day No. 2
Well, here I am again, day 2, not so bad. I am fighting against the procrastination, I have a tendency to delay all day everyday; it is a terrible habit to put everything off. I have a desire to move forward, become a better person, healthier in every aspect of my life. It feels good to sit here and type, again, putting myself out there for people to read about and perhaps judge me. I am staking a claim and sailing my ship in the arena of life.
I know that sounds rather contrived, but I have had a hard time participating in my life. As I said I have been absolutely paralyzed by fear, which in turn has had a very negative effect in my life, big time. Fear by it's very definition evokes anxiety, unpleasant emotion, be afraid, uncertainty. My whole life, as I look back on it, I can see the pattern of me prolonging even the simplest of things, then all hell breaks loose, I scramble, get the job done and pat myself on the back for being so good under pressure. I am nuts, the world could be falling down around me and I will just smile, say "Oh, it will all work out", and keep going, leaving the pieces behind me to land where they may. One day it all catches up with you, and here I am. Ain't life grand?
Recently I learned an acronym for the word FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real. Ha! Fear is a four letter word too! I was so fearful the past few years it was frightening, borderline breakdown fear. My behavior and practically all of my decisions have been fear based. God!! My whole life I have had a big ego and low self-esteem. This is so pitiful, as I write this I think how sad I must have been to live my life like this, fearful.
Fear is a big word. I never realized how powerful the F-word was until I stopped letting it rule my life. Believe me, that takes some doing, and I do not recommend any one going to face their fear alone. The kind of fear I am talking about is not when you see a thriller, read a book, watch a show kind of jolt, this isn't the type of fear you feel when you are uneasy about something or someone. While all of the aforementioned fears are all good and well; the type of fear I experienced made me afraid of people, places and things, everyday. I felt like I didn't fit in fear, the fear of being broke, losing my house, not selling my art and the good old comparison fear. Self-pity fear. "Why not me" fear. The I am going to screw everything up fear and the fear of becoming what I was completely fearful of and shameful of ..the poor, disabled, single mother who was always struggling. I feared myself into the very existence I was afraid of becoming. Ugh!
Well, it is late and I am tired, I planned on doing this earlier, but, well you know, I put if off til the last minute.
I know that sounds rather contrived, but I have had a hard time participating in my life. As I said I have been absolutely paralyzed by fear, which in turn has had a very negative effect in my life, big time. Fear by it's very definition evokes anxiety, unpleasant emotion, be afraid, uncertainty. My whole life, as I look back on it, I can see the pattern of me prolonging even the simplest of things, then all hell breaks loose, I scramble, get the job done and pat myself on the back for being so good under pressure. I am nuts, the world could be falling down around me and I will just smile, say "Oh, it will all work out", and keep going, leaving the pieces behind me to land where they may. One day it all catches up with you, and here I am. Ain't life grand?
Recently I learned an acronym for the word FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real. Ha! Fear is a four letter word too! I was so fearful the past few years it was frightening, borderline breakdown fear. My behavior and practically all of my decisions have been fear based. God!! My whole life I have had a big ego and low self-esteem. This is so pitiful, as I write this I think how sad I must have been to live my life like this, fearful.
Fear is a big word. I never realized how powerful the F-word was until I stopped letting it rule my life. Believe me, that takes some doing, and I do not recommend any one going to face their fear alone. The kind of fear I am talking about is not when you see a thriller, read a book, watch a show kind of jolt, this isn't the type of fear you feel when you are uneasy about something or someone. While all of the aforementioned fears are all good and well; the type of fear I experienced made me afraid of people, places and things, everyday. I felt like I didn't fit in fear, the fear of being broke, losing my house, not selling my art and the good old comparison fear. Self-pity fear. "Why not me" fear. The I am going to screw everything up fear and the fear of becoming what I was completely fearful of and shameful of ..the poor, disabled, single mother who was always struggling. I feared myself into the very existence I was afraid of becoming. Ugh!
Well, it is late and I am tired, I planned on doing this earlier, but, well you know, I put if off til the last minute.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Day No.1
Well, today is the day. Probably the worst day of the rest of my life. I will tell you why. I am a master procrastinator, a Master, mind you, I stall on everything. Anything from brushing my teeth, to paying a bill, to getting to an appointment on time. It is terrible, the procrastination, I have literally procrastinated my ass into the verge of complete bankruptcy. By complete, I mean physical, financial, emotional and mental bankruptcy. Now, there have been and are some extenuating circumstances in my life, but that is for another day. Right now I just want to talk about today, the worst day, of my life, possibly.
I am writing a book, I have been since 2008, the book is about my life. Now that may seem a little presumptuous to some, that I would write a book about my life and believe that my life is so distinct that everyone would want to read a book about it. Though I have been in a situation or two in my life that has caused great change in my life, some for the better and some for the worst, and I know people would love to hear about them. Don't worry, it all ties in with the procrastination, worst day, and the book.
As I mentioned earlier, I am a procrastinator, and being a procrastinator, I like to put things off and get to it when I am ready, doesn't matter when it is due or how important it is, I will get to it. This has not gone to well for me lately, and I am certain that being a procrastinator has exacerbated the adverse situation I find myself in today. Sometimes it wasn't all procrastination, a lot of it was based in fear. Fear of the unknown and what if's, or the combination of the two, paralyzing fear. There were days I would be so laced with fear I could barely breath. Some days I would wake up and right away I was seized with the "fear", it would take everything to just get up and out of bed and take care of myself. I was consumed with fear and pain, I wasn't sure I would make it through the day, I had to take one minute at a time, if I did any more than that I would panic. Many a days were too overwhelming and I couldn't move, I couldn't look at my mail, or clean my house, the only thing I could do was sit and live in my fear, my paralyzing fear. I needed help, and a few friends knew that I needed help. I managed to get enough love and help that I could begin to breathe, I could see past the fear, barely, but I knew I was worth more than what I was doing to myself.
So, in starting this blog it means, to me, that I am no longer going to live in fear, I am going to try each and everyday to do the next right thing, open my mail, look at my bills, pay the ones I can, go outside and enjoy the sun, engage my friends and neighbors, work and write. I am going to try and not defer, delay, postpone, prolong, neglect, lag or loiter my days away. I am shooting for diligent, proactive, busy, earnest, industrious, laborious, tireless and paistakingly persistent with my days. I want to share my experience, strength and hope so others will see they are not alone.I will persevere. I hope. If not today, there is always tomorrow.
I am writing a book, I have been since 2008, the book is about my life. Now that may seem a little presumptuous to some, that I would write a book about my life and believe that my life is so distinct that everyone would want to read a book about it. Though I have been in a situation or two in my life that has caused great change in my life, some for the better and some for the worst, and I know people would love to hear about them. Don't worry, it all ties in with the procrastination, worst day, and the book.
As I mentioned earlier, I am a procrastinator, and being a procrastinator, I like to put things off and get to it when I am ready, doesn't matter when it is due or how important it is, I will get to it. This has not gone to well for me lately, and I am certain that being a procrastinator has exacerbated the adverse situation I find myself in today. Sometimes it wasn't all procrastination, a lot of it was based in fear. Fear of the unknown and what if's, or the combination of the two, paralyzing fear. There were days I would be so laced with fear I could barely breath. Some days I would wake up and right away I was seized with the "fear", it would take everything to just get up and out of bed and take care of myself. I was consumed with fear and pain, I wasn't sure I would make it through the day, I had to take one minute at a time, if I did any more than that I would panic. Many a days were too overwhelming and I couldn't move, I couldn't look at my mail, or clean my house, the only thing I could do was sit and live in my fear, my paralyzing fear. I needed help, and a few friends knew that I needed help. I managed to get enough love and help that I could begin to breathe, I could see past the fear, barely, but I knew I was worth more than what I was doing to myself.
So, in starting this blog it means, to me, that I am no longer going to live in fear, I am going to try each and everyday to do the next right thing, open my mail, look at my bills, pay the ones I can, go outside and enjoy the sun, engage my friends and neighbors, work and write. I am going to try and not defer, delay, postpone, prolong, neglect, lag or loiter my days away. I am shooting for diligent, proactive, busy, earnest, industrious, laborious, tireless and paistakingly persistent with my days. I want to share my experience, strength and hope so others will see they are not alone.I will persevere. I hope. If not today, there is always tomorrow.
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