Wow, I can't believe I am writing at 10:09 pm, it's early for me. Usually I am scrambling at the computer all flustered because of the time. I was cleaning before I sat down and of course I was thinking. I was/am thinking about settling, abuse, change and action. To look at it in print it seems scattered. Trust me, it's not.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Day No. 23
I cannot believe it is 12:45 am, I thought it was about 11:30 pm. Damn!! Always rushing. I hate living like this, rushing, rushing. I believe, I know all this rushing is a byproduct of procrastination and fear. Ah, fear, good old fear, will I ever be without fear? By the way, did you know that procrastination is sloth in 5 syllables? I never ever thought about procrastination as being sloth, lazy maybe, but not sloth.
The word sloth evokes an awful image. The very thought of it makes me turn my nose. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. One of the seven deadly sins! Oh my God!! I am not slothful, lazy maybe, not even, just anything but a messy sinner.
The meaning of the word sloth is laziness, indolence, a slow moving South American animal.. I am definitely not a South American animal, slow moving, sometimes, but a South American animal, no. Let's break this definition down; we have two words, laziness and indolence. According to Webster's laziness is disinclined to work or exertion; encouraging or causing indolence; sluggishly moving. Indolent is idle; lazy. Sluggish is slow, inactive, unresponsive. Now, let's look at the word sin, an offense against a religious or moral principle; transgression of the law of God; a wicked act; a misdeed or fault. Holy cats!! I am at a loss right now, how did my procrastination get so big?
I am somewhat of a wordsmith and being Irish and having 12 years of Catholic school under my belt I could really break this down, for instance I could take the word moral, which you know relates to human behavior, particularly in regards to right and wrong. Principle is a basic truth, a moral code of conduct. Now, I could take these two words, moral and principle, along with lazy and indolent and really wriggle my way out of the sin of sloth, or procrastination as some of us prefer to call it. The sad thing is the committee in my head would probably fall for it and I would be right back where I started, in a messy heap full of fear.
For the sake of the argument, I am inclined to work, in all fairness I have had 6 spine surgeries and I have lost 70% of the function from my neck down, if I do anything that involves my hands and arms for more than 5 minutes, I am completely numb. Though I do work around my physical disability, it is mostly my mental handicap that brings me to a grinding halt. I do suffer from daily, chronic pain, again I can work around it, but the unpleasant emotion, anxiety, and apprehension caused by fear grinds me to a halt.
When I stop and think, I stop. I become so focused on what is wrong, and how am I going to get this done? How am I going to fix this? How am I going to afford that? How did I get here? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do I have to be all alone? How about this? Why that? How come? Why not? All of these damn questions and emotions are horrible. They are useless, draining and uncomfortable.
There are many days when I am sluggish, that comes with the territory, and that's okay as long as I keep moving forward and continue to do the next right thing, which sometimes means resting. When I feel the other pain, the mental, apprehension, anxiety and unpleasant emotion, call fear, and let it persuade me to procrastinate instead of taking action, I suppose I am being indolent.
The worse thing about all of this talk is that there is a simple solution that is so often overlooked. I get so wrapped up in the bullshit and fear that I grind to a halt. All I need to do is stop, and start my day over. Yes, stop and start my day over. I take a deep breath, inhale the good, and blow out the bad, I accept where I am right now, then I become open and willing to do the next right thing, be honest and move forward. Oh, and I call someone and let them know what I am up to, even though that sounds crazy, sometimes the other person needs the phone call more than I do.
Procrastination and fear are defects of character. I want to grow and not let these character defects run me, like sloth/procrastination, self-pity/pride in reverse, I want to let them go and be a better person. I don't want to just "get by" in life, I want to enjoy life, help family and friends, work, travel, live life. Live life to the fullest.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I know to stay in the current condition of my defects of character can be fatal. I am not being dramatic, I am serious. I don't just want to "get by" in life I want to live, and sometimes that means taking an honest account of my defects, personality, faults, attributes and the like. I will need to let go of things, character traits that no longer serve me, and move forward. I need to be honest, open and willing with this phase of my life. I do not want to go backwards. While a long hard look at myself is unpleasant at best, it is necessary. To get an honest look at myself I will have to do more than rely on my memory. God knows if I am trying to wriggle out of the simple definition of procrastination, I am certain that I am able to mentally wriggle around quite a bit. It is best to write things down and be thorough. Sounds good, I shall give it a try. Looking at the clock, I cannot believe how time flies when you're having fun. Oh well, good night.
The word sloth evokes an awful image. The very thought of it makes me turn my nose. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. One of the seven deadly sins! Oh my God!! I am not slothful, lazy maybe, not even, just anything but a messy sinner.
The meaning of the word sloth is laziness, indolence, a slow moving South American animal.. I am definitely not a South American animal, slow moving, sometimes, but a South American animal, no. Let's break this definition down; we have two words, laziness and indolence. According to Webster's laziness is disinclined to work or exertion; encouraging or causing indolence; sluggishly moving. Indolent is idle; lazy. Sluggish is slow, inactive, unresponsive. Now, let's look at the word sin, an offense against a religious or moral principle; transgression of the law of God; a wicked act; a misdeed or fault. Holy cats!! I am at a loss right now, how did my procrastination get so big?
I am somewhat of a wordsmith and being Irish and having 12 years of Catholic school under my belt I could really break this down, for instance I could take the word moral, which you know relates to human behavior, particularly in regards to right and wrong. Principle is a basic truth, a moral code of conduct. Now, I could take these two words, moral and principle, along with lazy and indolent and really wriggle my way out of the sin of sloth, or procrastination as some of us prefer to call it. The sad thing is the committee in my head would probably fall for it and I would be right back where I started, in a messy heap full of fear.
For the sake of the argument, I am inclined to work, in all fairness I have had 6 spine surgeries and I have lost 70% of the function from my neck down, if I do anything that involves my hands and arms for more than 5 minutes, I am completely numb. Though I do work around my physical disability, it is mostly my mental handicap that brings me to a grinding halt. I do suffer from daily, chronic pain, again I can work around it, but the unpleasant emotion, anxiety, and apprehension caused by fear grinds me to a halt.
When I stop and think, I stop. I become so focused on what is wrong, and how am I going to get this done? How am I going to fix this? How am I going to afford that? How did I get here? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do I have to be all alone? How about this? Why that? How come? Why not? All of these damn questions and emotions are horrible. They are useless, draining and uncomfortable.
There are many days when I am sluggish, that comes with the territory, and that's okay as long as I keep moving forward and continue to do the next right thing, which sometimes means resting. When I feel the other pain, the mental, apprehension, anxiety and unpleasant emotion, call fear, and let it persuade me to procrastinate instead of taking action, I suppose I am being indolent.
The worse thing about all of this talk is that there is a simple solution that is so often overlooked. I get so wrapped up in the bullshit and fear that I grind to a halt. All I need to do is stop, and start my day over. Yes, stop and start my day over. I take a deep breath, inhale the good, and blow out the bad, I accept where I am right now, then I become open and willing to do the next right thing, be honest and move forward. Oh, and I call someone and let them know what I am up to, even though that sounds crazy, sometimes the other person needs the phone call more than I do.
Procrastination and fear are defects of character. I want to grow and not let these character defects run me, like sloth/procrastination, self-pity/pride in reverse, I want to let them go and be a better person. I don't want to just "get by" in life, I want to enjoy life, help family and friends, work, travel, live life. Live life to the fullest.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I know to stay in the current condition of my defects of character can be fatal. I am not being dramatic, I am serious. I don't just want to "get by" in life I want to live, and sometimes that means taking an honest account of my defects, personality, faults, attributes and the like. I will need to let go of things, character traits that no longer serve me, and move forward. I need to be honest, open and willing with this phase of my life. I do not want to go backwards. While a long hard look at myself is unpleasant at best, it is necessary. To get an honest look at myself I will have to do more than rely on my memory. God knows if I am trying to wriggle out of the simple definition of procrastination, I am certain that I am able to mentally wriggle around quite a bit. It is best to write things down and be thorough. Sounds good, I shall give it a try. Looking at the clock, I cannot believe how time flies when you're having fun. Oh well, good night.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Days No. 21 & 22
I am so aggravated with myself that I didn't write last night. When I got home I was totally spent, I laid down and couldn't move a muscle.I was barely able to wake to see Lizzie of to school. Now, I am going to catch up on some sleep. Goodnight.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Day No. 20
I am exhausted, I am in terrible pain and I am throwing up. I have worked since Thursday, I am miserable. Good night.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Day No. 18
What a day, I just sat down for the first time since I woke up. Today my daughter started her sophomore year in high school, I worked all afternoon and straight into the night. She is not happy that I wasn't here after school and that I didn't get home until 10:15 p.m.. I feel bad and she is really letting me know how unhappy she is with me. I am to tired to get into it with her, she can be mad, I love her and that is it.
I work in a boutique which is run by a co-op of 5 or 6 women. Thursdays are my days and we always seem to have an event or something on Thursdays, so I am busy on my feet from 2 p.m. til 10:00 p.m. I work with women and our customers are primarily women. Usually everyone is very nice with a few kook's thrown in here and there.
While I enjoy my work, and I work with friends, but sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I am not in any way shape or form saying that the women that work there or shop there make me feel this way, at all. As a matter of fact I am very close with one of the girls and I am friends with the rest. I am the one who feels that I don't belong. I listen to people talk, I hear about their lives and I think to myself, how do they do it? How do they live with a husband? How do they live without fretting about having enough money to feed the dog for the month? How do they go into a store and shop with out fretting if I am not going to have enough money to last the month? How does it feel to make plans and do whatever you'd like; make plans for trips, get away's, shopping, concerts, dinners, etc. and not worry about money? I wish I knew.
Please do not misunderstand me, I am not jealous, I am not even envious, I am lost. I have never felt good enough about myself to allow those things to happen to me. I don't have the first clue how to live without worry and scarcity. I have not the slightest clue how to manage all the responsibility.
I suppose I can blame all of my character defects on how I grew up. The fact of the matter is I have fear. Fear of being broke, fear of people not liking me, fear of never having enough and just plain old fear. I am tired of fear, tired of scarcity tired of living small; I am tired of living in fear. There is so much abundance in the Universe, abundance for everyone including me.
I am no longer going to be inferior. I am no longer keeping myself in shame. I am no longer going to sit in self pity and fear. I am going to do my best to become who I am really supposed to be, a successful, happy, loving, ful-filled woman. I am sick and tired of living in less than.
Life is a journey and I am certainly not thinking that because I made a declaration that I am no longer living in fear, that everything will be coming up roses. I will be living in the positive.
I work in a boutique which is run by a co-op of 5 or 6 women. Thursdays are my days and we always seem to have an event or something on Thursdays, so I am busy on my feet from 2 p.m. til 10:00 p.m. I work with women and our customers are primarily women. Usually everyone is very nice with a few kook's thrown in here and there.
While I enjoy my work, and I work with friends, but sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I am not in any way shape or form saying that the women that work there or shop there make me feel this way, at all. As a matter of fact I am very close with one of the girls and I am friends with the rest. I am the one who feels that I don't belong. I listen to people talk, I hear about their lives and I think to myself, how do they do it? How do they live with a husband? How do they live without fretting about having enough money to feed the dog for the month? How do they go into a store and shop with out fretting if I am not going to have enough money to last the month? How does it feel to make plans and do whatever you'd like; make plans for trips, get away's, shopping, concerts, dinners, etc. and not worry about money? I wish I knew.
Please do not misunderstand me, I am not jealous, I am not even envious, I am lost. I have never felt good enough about myself to allow those things to happen to me. I don't have the first clue how to live without worry and scarcity. I have not the slightest clue how to manage all the responsibility.
I suppose I can blame all of my character defects on how I grew up. The fact of the matter is I have fear. Fear of being broke, fear of people not liking me, fear of never having enough and just plain old fear. I am tired of fear, tired of scarcity tired of living small; I am tired of living in fear. There is so much abundance in the Universe, abundance for everyone including me.
I am no longer going to be inferior. I am no longer keeping myself in shame. I am no longer going to sit in self pity and fear. I am going to do my best to become who I am really supposed to be, a successful, happy, loving, ful-filled woman. I am sick and tired of living in less than.
Life is a journey and I am certainly not thinking that because I made a declaration that I am no longer living in fear, that everything will be coming up roses. I will be living in the positive.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Day No. 17
I am the worst blogger, mother in the world. My daughter starts school tomorrow so today we went downtown and did some shopping. We were out much longer than we thought we would be. We get home, I realize nothing is ready, she has to finish her summer work and we can't find her schedule. Goddamn.
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