Coward: n, a person lacking courage, one who is afraid. Cowardice: n, lack of courage.
Today was the Boston Marathon, the annual kick-off to the summer running season. The Boston Marathon is the King of Marathons, the Father of Marathons, almost every other marathon in the country has been born from this premier race.
Today is the day of hard work, strength, stamina, courage and perseverance. Men and women have been training for years just for today. Families, friends, loved one's and even co-workers went to Boston, Massachusetts today to cheer for their runner. The city of Boston went out today to cheer for their runners, their City and their Boston pride. The sidelines were filled with well-wishers and good times.
Today also happened to be Patriot's Day in Boston. An observance that dates back all the way to the American Revolution. A day that marks a hard fought battle for freedom. A day that reminds Bostonians of their perseverance and grit.
Today, sadly, horrifically, wretchedly, an act of cowardice was impinged upon Boston. By now the whole country knows that bombs were set off near the end of the race. Bombs were set off as runners were crossing the finish line. We know that runners fell to the ground. We know that people were injured, young and old. We know that limbs were torn from people, young and old. We know that people died.
Today, a small, insignificant, sneaky, wheyfaced pig harmed Boston and its people. In the process they harmed the rest of us. The sneaky, wheyfaced pig or pigs tried to instill fear in all of us. The wheyfaced piggies thought they would bomb us into quivering, small, insignificant beings. Those pigs thought we would run and hide from their dastardly acts of cowardice. Those pigs were wrong, dead wrong.
Today, as bombs blasted through the finish line, amidst the shrapnel, smoke, concrete and debris, arose Boston. The runner's, the people, by-standers, families, well-wishers and partiers all moved into action. Whether it was comforting a crying child, guiding a frightened and confused person, tying a tourniquet onto a bleeding wound or fighting for someone's life, Boston rose to the occasion. Boston wasn't frightened or cowering, Boston was fighting, and winning. Boston beat you today, little pig. Boston won.
You see coward, this isn't Boston's first trial and tribulation. Boston has been down this road before; back in the beginning of this Country, there was a killing of 5 Bostonians by an unjust group of King's men, and tensions were high back then. As a result, a direct result, Boston was a leader in the colonies becoming a free nation.
Today, that Nation saw you attack Boston, we watched you attack and kill our brothers and sisters.
Tensions are high, now, right now, as a direct result of your actions. You cowards are certainly no King's men, but you are just as unjust.
Today, Boston, we are with you. You and your people are in our thoughts, prayers and intentions. We have your back. You are not alone, Boston, we stand together with you in defense of this act of cowardice.
Today, coward's you took your shot, and you fouled out. We won today. Today there are countless people praying, talking, and getting together in unity of today's attack. We are not hiding behind bombs, we are not meeting in secret to cause havoc, we are out and about, and we are coming together.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Day No. 36
Alright, here I am. Back on track. Trying to do the daily blog. I must tell you, lately I have really been thinking and I am full of fear and doubt. I am writing much later than I had intended to, so I am going to just hit on what I am thinking. I am terrified of me, my life and who I am. What if I am not enough? Am I talented? Do people care? I am alone, I don't have any money and for the first time in my life I am left with me. Somehow I am not comforted by that realization.
All I know is that I feel like I am in a world of shit.
All I know is that I feel like I am in a world of shit.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day No. 32 Happy Birthday Lizzie!!!! The big 15! I love you!!
Today is my daughter's 15th b-day, where has all the time gone? I love you Lizzie Lou. Off to work and more tomorrow.
Day No. 31
I am feeling better today, I have calmed down a bit. I am still sickened by the fact that I saw that awful woman. It was bad timing. just an hour before my bf told me that her niece showed up at her house with her toddler and baby the day before. Of course my friend wanted to see the kids and it was an emotional visit, it was the first time she had seen the kids, ever, so I know she was happy, but cautious, or so she told me in the conversation. I didn't expect the ill-bred tramp that day right after I heard she had been at my friend's house. Obviously there is more to the story, so here goes.
A couple of years ago, I started going through a rough time. It started about roughly the end of 2007 , beginning of 2008. Also during that time I had started putting on weight, it was like I was on a opposite diet. Instead of the less I eat the more weight I lose, it was the less I eat the more weight I put on, I had ended a relationship and I felt like crap. My best friend has a coffee shop that I went to everyday and we would talk, sometimes for hours and other times just for an hour. There are several people that go in there on a regular basis so it is almost like a little community. During the time I was beginning to hit a wall, my bf's mom was in the process of moving in with her and her sister. My bf sister lives in Texas with her husband and daughter, so they had come to Chicago to figure out the situation with her mom. At that time the niece, moved to Chicago. Now, I had met this girl a couple of times and she seemed okay. She was very thin, with capped teeth, a long face and she was very loud. Her parents are well to do, so you would come to the conclusion that perhaps she was spoiled and that could explain some of her behavior. She was not right, too old to behaving the way she did, but it is my best friend's niece, so she was tolerable.
After the niece moved to Chicago she came to the coffee shop just about everyday. She was very loud, crazy loud, the kind of loud you know people are doing for attention and they think they are so funny, cute and witty but they really obnoxious. In talking to her it seemed she knew everything and that her word was gospel. . I think back to that time and I can see it in my mind, God, just writing about her is uncomfortably exhausting.
After she had been here a little bit, I was beginning to sense that she wasn't to keen on me, but that was okay, because I didn't care about her, she was nothing to me. I could see that my bf was uncomfortable too. We talked and I told her that I was fine, it would all work out and not to worry. Boy, was I wrong.
The niece started coming in the shop all the time, she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome as well as uncomfortable. When she came in and I was there she would give me dirty looks, then sit down a seat away from me and slam her stuff down. I would talk and she interrupt me then start speaking in Greek. She would be so loud it was awful. Even when my daughter was with me she went out of her way to be rude. I wanted to be a good example for my child and not respond to her actions. She ran other customers out because she was so loud and spoke in Greek, when anyone started to talk to her aunt, she would interject in Greek. It was so ill-mannered. Ugh! I can picture her smug, ugly face and hear her voice, I have a headache now.
She was putting so much pressure on my bf to stop talking to me and hanging around with me it was sad. I could see the strain on my bf, she would just shake her head at me when her niece came in. If my bf talked about me and the niece was there she would start in about me. This woman was so childish and bad-mannered. Her behavior was bad it made you wonder if something was mentally wrong with her and why didn't her parents help her, after all her father is a physician. I also thought what kind of mother raises a person like this. Up until that time, with the exceptions of a marriage or two, she lived with her parents, now they knew how she behaved. Maybe they were tired though, just because someone needs help, if they are of legal age you can't force them to take it.
Finally after a few months of this our friendship was beginning to feel the strain. I went into the shop one day and Maggie, the niece was sitting near the coffee bar with a few other patrons. Every time I spoke she was rude, she would maneuver in front of me so I could not sit down. My best friend said nothing. Not a word. Not one word.
I was crushed. I was so hurt. I thought of my daughter and my eyes welled up. My daughter loved my best friend, what would she think if she saw this. I knew right then and there everything had changed and I was not coming back.
I could no longer put with this nut in my life, even though this two-bit tramp was a small part of my day, my bf was a huge part of my life. Unfortunately they were related. I also realized our friendship didn't warrant my bf sticking up for me and taking a stand for our friendship by telling her niece enough was enough. On that day I saw where I stood, and it was alone.
I also knew that I was so angry that I needed to leave the situation. I did not want my child to see any more of the behavior from the niece and from my bf. If it was upsetting confusing for me, it would be even more confusing and upsetting to her. So I left and never went back. Without my knowing it, I had taken one of the first steps to getting better.
A couple of years ago, I started going through a rough time. It started about roughly the end of 2007 , beginning of 2008. Also during that time I had started putting on weight, it was like I was on a opposite diet. Instead of the less I eat the more weight I lose, it was the less I eat the more weight I put on, I had ended a relationship and I felt like crap. My best friend has a coffee shop that I went to everyday and we would talk, sometimes for hours and other times just for an hour. There are several people that go in there on a regular basis so it is almost like a little community. During the time I was beginning to hit a wall, my bf's mom was in the process of moving in with her and her sister. My bf sister lives in Texas with her husband and daughter, so they had come to Chicago to figure out the situation with her mom. At that time the niece, moved to Chicago. Now, I had met this girl a couple of times and she seemed okay. She was very thin, with capped teeth, a long face and she was very loud. Her parents are well to do, so you would come to the conclusion that perhaps she was spoiled and that could explain some of her behavior. She was not right, too old to behaving the way she did, but it is my best friend's niece, so she was tolerable.
After the niece moved to Chicago she came to the coffee shop just about everyday. She was very loud, crazy loud, the kind of loud you know people are doing for attention and they think they are so funny, cute and witty but they really obnoxious. In talking to her it seemed she knew everything and that her word was gospel. . I think back to that time and I can see it in my mind, God, just writing about her is uncomfortably exhausting.
After she had been here a little bit, I was beginning to sense that she wasn't to keen on me, but that was okay, because I didn't care about her, she was nothing to me. I could see that my bf was uncomfortable too. We talked and I told her that I was fine, it would all work out and not to worry. Boy, was I wrong.
The niece started coming in the shop all the time, she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome as well as uncomfortable. When she came in and I was there she would give me dirty looks, then sit down a seat away from me and slam her stuff down. I would talk and she interrupt me then start speaking in Greek. She would be so loud it was awful. Even when my daughter was with me she went out of her way to be rude. I wanted to be a good example for my child and not respond to her actions. She ran other customers out because she was so loud and spoke in Greek, when anyone started to talk to her aunt, she would interject in Greek. It was so ill-mannered. Ugh! I can picture her smug, ugly face and hear her voice, I have a headache now.
She was putting so much pressure on my bf to stop talking to me and hanging around with me it was sad. I could see the strain on my bf, she would just shake her head at me when her niece came in. If my bf talked about me and the niece was there she would start in about me. This woman was so childish and bad-mannered. Her behavior was bad it made you wonder if something was mentally wrong with her and why didn't her parents help her, after all her father is a physician. I also thought what kind of mother raises a person like this. Up until that time, with the exceptions of a marriage or two, she lived with her parents, now they knew how she behaved. Maybe they were tired though, just because someone needs help, if they are of legal age you can't force them to take it.
Finally after a few months of this our friendship was beginning to feel the strain. I went into the shop one day and Maggie, the niece was sitting near the coffee bar with a few other patrons. Every time I spoke she was rude, she would maneuver in front of me so I could not sit down. My best friend said nothing. Not a word. Not one word.
I was crushed. I was so hurt. I thought of my daughter and my eyes welled up. My daughter loved my best friend, what would she think if she saw this. I knew right then and there everything had changed and I was not coming back.
I could no longer put with this nut in my life, even though this two-bit tramp was a small part of my day, my bf was a huge part of my life. Unfortunately they were related. I also realized our friendship didn't warrant my bf sticking up for me and taking a stand for our friendship by telling her niece enough was enough. On that day I saw where I stood, and it was alone.
I also knew that I was so angry that I needed to leave the situation. I did not want my child to see any more of the behavior from the niece and from my bf. If it was upsetting confusing for me, it would be even more confusing and upsetting to her. So I left and never went back. Without my knowing it, I had taken one of the first steps to getting better.
Days No. 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, & 30 Self-Worth
Hello!!!
I am alive & well. I finally got some good rest and I am ready and rearing to go. Last Friday I laid down for a nap at 2:00 p.m. and I woke up at 11:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now that you know what happened and I am on this side of the dirt, I will get down to the nitty gritty.
As I write this my stomach is in a knot. I have been faced with the inevitable and I don't know how to handle the situation. I ran into a ill-bred woman who was responsible for a break of a friendship that was very dear to me, I considered this woman to be a best-friend, but the ill-bread woman is her niece, and caused a tremendous amount of trouble between us, hence we stopped talking.. Since the break my bf has stopped talking to her niece due to something else. My friend and I are now talking and the ill-bred woman started talking to my bf again and today she came into her establishment. I was there and I saw her, I had to leave there so fast because the amount of anger I felt was over-whelming.
Gotta go, I have to calm down.
I am alive & well. I finally got some good rest and I am ready and rearing to go. Last Friday I laid down for a nap at 2:00 p.m. and I woke up at 11:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now that you know what happened and I am on this side of the dirt, I will get down to the nitty gritty.
As I write this my stomach is in a knot. I have been faced with the inevitable and I don't know how to handle the situation. I ran into a ill-bred woman who was responsible for a break of a friendship that was very dear to me, I considered this woman to be a best-friend, but the ill-bread woman is her niece, and caused a tremendous amount of trouble between us, hence we stopped talking.. Since the break my bf has stopped talking to her niece due to something else. My friend and I are now talking and the ill-bred woman started talking to my bf again and today she came into her establishment. I was there and I saw her, I had to leave there so fast because the amount of anger I felt was over-whelming.
Gotta go, I have to calm down.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Day No. 24
Wow, I can't believe I am writing at 10:09 pm, it's early for me. Usually I am scrambling at the computer all flustered because of the time. I was cleaning before I sat down and of course I was thinking. I was/am thinking about settling, abuse, change and action. To look at it in print it seems scattered. Trust me, it's not.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
Day No. 23
I cannot believe it is 12:45 am, I thought it was about 11:30 pm. Damn!! Always rushing. I hate living like this, rushing, rushing. I believe, I know all this rushing is a byproduct of procrastination and fear. Ah, fear, good old fear, will I ever be without fear? By the way, did you know that procrastination is sloth in 5 syllables? I never ever thought about procrastination as being sloth, lazy maybe, but not sloth.
The word sloth evokes an awful image. The very thought of it makes me turn my nose. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. One of the seven deadly sins! Oh my God!! I am not slothful, lazy maybe, not even, just anything but a messy sinner.
The meaning of the word sloth is laziness, indolence, a slow moving South American animal.. I am definitely not a South American animal, slow moving, sometimes, but a South American animal, no. Let's break this definition down; we have two words, laziness and indolence. According to Webster's laziness is disinclined to work or exertion; encouraging or causing indolence; sluggishly moving. Indolent is idle; lazy. Sluggish is slow, inactive, unresponsive. Now, let's look at the word sin, an offense against a religious or moral principle; transgression of the law of God; a wicked act; a misdeed or fault. Holy cats!! I am at a loss right now, how did my procrastination get so big?
I am somewhat of a wordsmith and being Irish and having 12 years of Catholic school under my belt I could really break this down, for instance I could take the word moral, which you know relates to human behavior, particularly in regards to right and wrong. Principle is a basic truth, a moral code of conduct. Now, I could take these two words, moral and principle, along with lazy and indolent and really wriggle my way out of the sin of sloth, or procrastination as some of us prefer to call it. The sad thing is the committee in my head would probably fall for it and I would be right back where I started, in a messy heap full of fear.
For the sake of the argument, I am inclined to work, in all fairness I have had 6 spine surgeries and I have lost 70% of the function from my neck down, if I do anything that involves my hands and arms for more than 5 minutes, I am completely numb. Though I do work around my physical disability, it is mostly my mental handicap that brings me to a grinding halt. I do suffer from daily, chronic pain, again I can work around it, but the unpleasant emotion, anxiety, and apprehension caused by fear grinds me to a halt.
When I stop and think, I stop. I become so focused on what is wrong, and how am I going to get this done? How am I going to fix this? How am I going to afford that? How did I get here? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do I have to be all alone? How about this? Why that? How come? Why not? All of these damn questions and emotions are horrible. They are useless, draining and uncomfortable.
There are many days when I am sluggish, that comes with the territory, and that's okay as long as I keep moving forward and continue to do the next right thing, which sometimes means resting. When I feel the other pain, the mental, apprehension, anxiety and unpleasant emotion, call fear, and let it persuade me to procrastinate instead of taking action, I suppose I am being indolent.
The worse thing about all of this talk is that there is a simple solution that is so often overlooked. I get so wrapped up in the bullshit and fear that I grind to a halt. All I need to do is stop, and start my day over. Yes, stop and start my day over. I take a deep breath, inhale the good, and blow out the bad, I accept where I am right now, then I become open and willing to do the next right thing, be honest and move forward. Oh, and I call someone and let them know what I am up to, even though that sounds crazy, sometimes the other person needs the phone call more than I do.
Procrastination and fear are defects of character. I want to grow and not let these character defects run me, like sloth/procrastination, self-pity/pride in reverse, I want to let them go and be a better person. I don't want to just "get by" in life, I want to enjoy life, help family and friends, work, travel, live life. Live life to the fullest.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I know to stay in the current condition of my defects of character can be fatal. I am not being dramatic, I am serious. I don't just want to "get by" in life I want to live, and sometimes that means taking an honest account of my defects, personality, faults, attributes and the like. I will need to let go of things, character traits that no longer serve me, and move forward. I need to be honest, open and willing with this phase of my life. I do not want to go backwards. While a long hard look at myself is unpleasant at best, it is necessary. To get an honest look at myself I will have to do more than rely on my memory. God knows if I am trying to wriggle out of the simple definition of procrastination, I am certain that I am able to mentally wriggle around quite a bit. It is best to write things down and be thorough. Sounds good, I shall give it a try. Looking at the clock, I cannot believe how time flies when you're having fun. Oh well, good night.
The word sloth evokes an awful image. The very thought of it makes me turn my nose. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. One of the seven deadly sins! Oh my God!! I am not slothful, lazy maybe, not even, just anything but a messy sinner.
The meaning of the word sloth is laziness, indolence, a slow moving South American animal.. I am definitely not a South American animal, slow moving, sometimes, but a South American animal, no. Let's break this definition down; we have two words, laziness and indolence. According to Webster's laziness is disinclined to work or exertion; encouraging or causing indolence; sluggishly moving. Indolent is idle; lazy. Sluggish is slow, inactive, unresponsive. Now, let's look at the word sin, an offense against a religious or moral principle; transgression of the law of God; a wicked act; a misdeed or fault. Holy cats!! I am at a loss right now, how did my procrastination get so big?
I am somewhat of a wordsmith and being Irish and having 12 years of Catholic school under my belt I could really break this down, for instance I could take the word moral, which you know relates to human behavior, particularly in regards to right and wrong. Principle is a basic truth, a moral code of conduct. Now, I could take these two words, moral and principle, along with lazy and indolent and really wriggle my way out of the sin of sloth, or procrastination as some of us prefer to call it. The sad thing is the committee in my head would probably fall for it and I would be right back where I started, in a messy heap full of fear.
For the sake of the argument, I am inclined to work, in all fairness I have had 6 spine surgeries and I have lost 70% of the function from my neck down, if I do anything that involves my hands and arms for more than 5 minutes, I am completely numb. Though I do work around my physical disability, it is mostly my mental handicap that brings me to a grinding halt. I do suffer from daily, chronic pain, again I can work around it, but the unpleasant emotion, anxiety, and apprehension caused by fear grinds me to a halt.
When I stop and think, I stop. I become so focused on what is wrong, and how am I going to get this done? How am I going to fix this? How am I going to afford that? How did I get here? Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do I have to be all alone? How about this? Why that? How come? Why not? All of these damn questions and emotions are horrible. They are useless, draining and uncomfortable.
There are many days when I am sluggish, that comes with the territory, and that's okay as long as I keep moving forward and continue to do the next right thing, which sometimes means resting. When I feel the other pain, the mental, apprehension, anxiety and unpleasant emotion, call fear, and let it persuade me to procrastinate instead of taking action, I suppose I am being indolent.
The worse thing about all of this talk is that there is a simple solution that is so often overlooked. I get so wrapped up in the bullshit and fear that I grind to a halt. All I need to do is stop, and start my day over. Yes, stop and start my day over. I take a deep breath, inhale the good, and blow out the bad, I accept where I am right now, then I become open and willing to do the next right thing, be honest and move forward. Oh, and I call someone and let them know what I am up to, even though that sounds crazy, sometimes the other person needs the phone call more than I do.
Procrastination and fear are defects of character. I want to grow and not let these character defects run me, like sloth/procrastination, self-pity/pride in reverse, I want to let them go and be a better person. I don't want to just "get by" in life, I want to enjoy life, help family and friends, work, travel, live life. Live life to the fullest.
I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I know to stay in the current condition of my defects of character can be fatal. I am not being dramatic, I am serious. I don't just want to "get by" in life I want to live, and sometimes that means taking an honest account of my defects, personality, faults, attributes and the like. I will need to let go of things, character traits that no longer serve me, and move forward. I need to be honest, open and willing with this phase of my life. I do not want to go backwards. While a long hard look at myself is unpleasant at best, it is necessary. To get an honest look at myself I will have to do more than rely on my memory. God knows if I am trying to wriggle out of the simple definition of procrastination, I am certain that I am able to mentally wriggle around quite a bit. It is best to write things down and be thorough. Sounds good, I shall give it a try. Looking at the clock, I cannot believe how time flies when you're having fun. Oh well, good night.
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