Attention Target Shopper
Tonight I went shopping at Target with my kids, one age 16 and the other 26. We were doing the usual Target shuffle, walking around looking for deals, putting stuff in the cart that we need, looking for more deals, putting stuff in the cart that we don't need, taking the things out of the cart that we need to make room for the stuff we don't need, the usual Target dance.
I sometimes really do not like to shop with my kids. I especially don't like to shop with them close to when I get paid because I tend to spend money on things we don't need with money I don't have. I get very uncomfortable and I start to fret, you know, the real kind of fret, where the throat gets full, the head gets pulsey, and the brow furls. As my fretting comes to climax I am deciding if I should cry, freak out or scream at them and ask them "why it is so hard for them to understand that I am broke and this money needs to pay bills and feed us!!!!!!! Goddammit!!!" I tell myself "okay, calm down, breathe, all is basically well", we continue our trek.
While shopping along with the other Target Lemmings, among us there was a group of about 8-9 people, obviously family members of various ages. They were in the bedding, furniture and housewares section. In this area there are end-caps of circular lounge type chairs made of bungee cords and some make of thick strips of bouncy material in a weave pattern. Next to the these chairs there was another end-cap that had a display of a Queen Anne faux leather chair with a throw pillow, and an ottoman with a floor lamp, elevated, so people could get an idea of how this little combo would look in your house. Very nice.
Now, of course you know where I am going with this, the aforementioned family, has made themselves quite comfortable in this display, not only encouraging the younger children to hop upon the chair and the ottoman, but they have taken several chairs off the end-cap to sprinkle around the aisles. They are literally having a sit-down. Hanging out, talking, watching the other shoppers. It was crazy. I was at a lost for words. I have never seen this before, ever. I am gobsmacked. Literally.
After the shock wore off, we went on our merry way, shaking our heads and trying to outwit each other with comments about the situation with our fine Irish humor. Perhaps this is what they do in the markets in the old country. Maybe, for this family, this is their Target shuffle, it is a big store, maybe they needed a break. Of course they could be ill mannered, inconsiderate Barbarians . Who knows? I will tell you this, they were not Irish.
We continue shopping and while, the cart is filling up, I am counting items, adding them up in my head, trying to figure if we really need the item, blah, blah, blah. Always in the back of my head is the voice that compares my insides with other people's insides, while I fret this voice never shut's up. As I am doing the mental math, trying to stay under the amount of money I said I would spend here, knowing I am full well over that amount; the committee that resides in the negative space in my head is assuring me that I am a failure, I can't even manage a simple shopping trip, you am so bad with money, you will never have enough money, you are not worthy of a comfortable existence and only successful people have money, you are less than and will never amount to anything. I hate these damn voices.
Sure enough, we end up back in the aisle where the "party" was earlier. The "guests" had left but they failed to clean up their mess. The "mess" consisted of an open toy on the display, 6 chairs taken off the end-caps and strewn about the aisle. Perhaps they thought the guys and gals in the red shirts and khaki pants were there to clean up after them. As we get further down the aisle and making comments among ourselves we arrive at the scene, my kids veer off to the mess and fold up the chairs and put them away in the right place. I am about to say "stop", because there are people there who get paid to pick up the mess, instead, I stop. I stop myself and watch my kids do this chore. Without hesitation, without bickering, without being told to, they put the chairs away. I turn to watch them. They are doing it together, with smiles. My kids. I turn around fully to watch them. Wow.
They are done, and truthfully, it was only six chairs, but, I felt in my heart, a pulsing, I felt a pride swell in my throat and a mist in my eyes. Then I hear a whisper, "that's you" a gentle voice tells me that I am responsible, I had a part in shaping who they are, I helped build that character. The gentle voice, the voice I often push out so I can hear the Committee tell me what a loser I am, tells me all is basically well, the voice fills me with a sense of pride and a feeling of love that can't be matched. I have good kids. There isn't a pot of money in the world that could make that moment any better. Not one red cent.
We get home, I look over our purchases and know that I will have to return a lot of this stuff. I don't need it, I have enough and all is basically well. I remind myself to listen to the gentle voice, it is much wiser than the Committee. I have much more than money can buy, I have very good kids who think of others, who are helpful and kind. I realize that this trip to Target has given me much more than I bargained for, and for that, I am truly grateful.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Cowardice
Coward: n, a person lacking courage, one who is afraid. Cowardice: n, lack of courage.
Today was the Boston Marathon, the annual kick-off to the summer running season. The Boston Marathon is the King of Marathons, the Father of Marathons, almost every other marathon in the country has been born from this premier race.
Today is the day of hard work, strength, stamina, courage and perseverance. Men and women have been training for years just for today. Families, friends, loved one's and even co-workers went to Boston, Massachusetts today to cheer for their runner. The city of Boston went out today to cheer for their runners, their City and their Boston pride. The sidelines were filled with well-wishers and good times.
Today also happened to be Patriot's Day in Boston. An observance that dates back all the way to the American Revolution. A day that marks a hard fought battle for freedom. A day that reminds Bostonians of their perseverance and grit.
Today, sadly, horrifically, wretchedly, an act of cowardice was impinged upon Boston. By now the whole country knows that bombs were set off near the end of the race. Bombs were set off as runners were crossing the finish line. We know that runners fell to the ground. We know that people were injured, young and old. We know that limbs were torn from people, young and old. We know that people died.
Today, a small, insignificant, sneaky, wheyfaced pig harmed Boston and its people. In the process they harmed the rest of us. The sneaky, wheyfaced pig or pigs tried to instill fear in all of us. The wheyfaced piggies thought they would bomb us into quivering, small, insignificant beings. Those pigs thought we would run and hide from their dastardly acts of cowardice. Those pigs were wrong, dead wrong.
Today, as bombs blasted through the finish line, amidst the shrapnel, smoke, concrete and debris, arose Boston. The runner's, the people, by-standers, families, well-wishers and partiers all moved into action. Whether it was comforting a crying child, guiding a frightened and confused person, tying a tourniquet onto a bleeding wound or fighting for someone's life, Boston rose to the occasion. Boston wasn't frightened or cowering, Boston was fighting, and winning. Boston beat you today, little pig. Boston won.
You see coward, this isn't Boston's first trial and tribulation. Boston has been down this road before; back in the beginning of this Country, there was a killing of 5 Bostonians by an unjust group of King's men, and tensions were high back then. As a result, a direct result, Boston was a leader in the colonies becoming a free nation.
Today, that Nation saw you attack Boston, we watched you attack and kill our brothers and sisters.
Tensions are high, now, right now, as a direct result of your actions. You cowards are certainly no King's men, but you are just as unjust.
Today, Boston, we are with you. You and your people are in our thoughts, prayers and intentions. We have your back. You are not alone, Boston, we stand together with you in defense of this act of cowardice.
Today, coward's you took your shot, and you fouled out. We won today. Today there are countless people praying, talking, and getting together in unity of today's attack. We are not hiding behind bombs, we are not meeting in secret to cause havoc, we are out and about, and we are coming together.
Today was the Boston Marathon, the annual kick-off to the summer running season. The Boston Marathon is the King of Marathons, the Father of Marathons, almost every other marathon in the country has been born from this premier race.
Today is the day of hard work, strength, stamina, courage and perseverance. Men and women have been training for years just for today. Families, friends, loved one's and even co-workers went to Boston, Massachusetts today to cheer for their runner. The city of Boston went out today to cheer for their runners, their City and their Boston pride. The sidelines were filled with well-wishers and good times.
Today also happened to be Patriot's Day in Boston. An observance that dates back all the way to the American Revolution. A day that marks a hard fought battle for freedom. A day that reminds Bostonians of their perseverance and grit.
Today, sadly, horrifically, wretchedly, an act of cowardice was impinged upon Boston. By now the whole country knows that bombs were set off near the end of the race. Bombs were set off as runners were crossing the finish line. We know that runners fell to the ground. We know that people were injured, young and old. We know that limbs were torn from people, young and old. We know that people died.
Today, a small, insignificant, sneaky, wheyfaced pig harmed Boston and its people. In the process they harmed the rest of us. The sneaky, wheyfaced pig or pigs tried to instill fear in all of us. The wheyfaced piggies thought they would bomb us into quivering, small, insignificant beings. Those pigs thought we would run and hide from their dastardly acts of cowardice. Those pigs were wrong, dead wrong.
Today, as bombs blasted through the finish line, amidst the shrapnel, smoke, concrete and debris, arose Boston. The runner's, the people, by-standers, families, well-wishers and partiers all moved into action. Whether it was comforting a crying child, guiding a frightened and confused person, tying a tourniquet onto a bleeding wound or fighting for someone's life, Boston rose to the occasion. Boston wasn't frightened or cowering, Boston was fighting, and winning. Boston beat you today, little pig. Boston won.
You see coward, this isn't Boston's first trial and tribulation. Boston has been down this road before; back in the beginning of this Country, there was a killing of 5 Bostonians by an unjust group of King's men, and tensions were high back then. As a result, a direct result, Boston was a leader in the colonies becoming a free nation.
Today, that Nation saw you attack Boston, we watched you attack and kill our brothers and sisters.
Tensions are high, now, right now, as a direct result of your actions. You cowards are certainly no King's men, but you are just as unjust.
Today, Boston, we are with you. You and your people are in our thoughts, prayers and intentions. We have your back. You are not alone, Boston, we stand together with you in defense of this act of cowardice.
Today, coward's you took your shot, and you fouled out. We won today. Today there are countless people praying, talking, and getting together in unity of today's attack. We are not hiding behind bombs, we are not meeting in secret to cause havoc, we are out and about, and we are coming together.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Day No. 36
Alright, here I am. Back on track. Trying to do the daily blog. I must tell you, lately I have really been thinking and I am full of fear and doubt. I am writing much later than I had intended to, so I am going to just hit on what I am thinking. I am terrified of me, my life and who I am. What if I am not enough? Am I talented? Do people care? I am alone, I don't have any money and for the first time in my life I am left with me. Somehow I am not comforted by that realization.
All I know is that I feel like I am in a world of shit.
All I know is that I feel like I am in a world of shit.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day No. 32 Happy Birthday Lizzie!!!! The big 15! I love you!!
Today is my daughter's 15th b-day, where has all the time gone? I love you Lizzie Lou. Off to work and more tomorrow.
Day No. 31
I am feeling better today, I have calmed down a bit. I am still sickened by the fact that I saw that awful woman. It was bad timing. just an hour before my bf told me that her niece showed up at her house with her toddler and baby the day before. Of course my friend wanted to see the kids and it was an emotional visit, it was the first time she had seen the kids, ever, so I know she was happy, but cautious, or so she told me in the conversation. I didn't expect the ill-bred tramp that day right after I heard she had been at my friend's house. Obviously there is more to the story, so here goes.
A couple of years ago, I started going through a rough time. It started about roughly the end of 2007 , beginning of 2008. Also during that time I had started putting on weight, it was like I was on a opposite diet. Instead of the less I eat the more weight I lose, it was the less I eat the more weight I put on, I had ended a relationship and I felt like crap. My best friend has a coffee shop that I went to everyday and we would talk, sometimes for hours and other times just for an hour. There are several people that go in there on a regular basis so it is almost like a little community. During the time I was beginning to hit a wall, my bf's mom was in the process of moving in with her and her sister. My bf sister lives in Texas with her husband and daughter, so they had come to Chicago to figure out the situation with her mom. At that time the niece, moved to Chicago. Now, I had met this girl a couple of times and she seemed okay. She was very thin, with capped teeth, a long face and she was very loud. Her parents are well to do, so you would come to the conclusion that perhaps she was spoiled and that could explain some of her behavior. She was not right, too old to behaving the way she did, but it is my best friend's niece, so she was tolerable.
After the niece moved to Chicago she came to the coffee shop just about everyday. She was very loud, crazy loud, the kind of loud you know people are doing for attention and they think they are so funny, cute and witty but they really obnoxious. In talking to her it seemed she knew everything and that her word was gospel. . I think back to that time and I can see it in my mind, God, just writing about her is uncomfortably exhausting.
After she had been here a little bit, I was beginning to sense that she wasn't to keen on me, but that was okay, because I didn't care about her, she was nothing to me. I could see that my bf was uncomfortable too. We talked and I told her that I was fine, it would all work out and not to worry. Boy, was I wrong.
The niece started coming in the shop all the time, she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome as well as uncomfortable. When she came in and I was there she would give me dirty looks, then sit down a seat away from me and slam her stuff down. I would talk and she interrupt me then start speaking in Greek. She would be so loud it was awful. Even when my daughter was with me she went out of her way to be rude. I wanted to be a good example for my child and not respond to her actions. She ran other customers out because she was so loud and spoke in Greek, when anyone started to talk to her aunt, she would interject in Greek. It was so ill-mannered. Ugh! I can picture her smug, ugly face and hear her voice, I have a headache now.
She was putting so much pressure on my bf to stop talking to me and hanging around with me it was sad. I could see the strain on my bf, she would just shake her head at me when her niece came in. If my bf talked about me and the niece was there she would start in about me. This woman was so childish and bad-mannered. Her behavior was bad it made you wonder if something was mentally wrong with her and why didn't her parents help her, after all her father is a physician. I also thought what kind of mother raises a person like this. Up until that time, with the exceptions of a marriage or two, she lived with her parents, now they knew how she behaved. Maybe they were tired though, just because someone needs help, if they are of legal age you can't force them to take it.
Finally after a few months of this our friendship was beginning to feel the strain. I went into the shop one day and Maggie, the niece was sitting near the coffee bar with a few other patrons. Every time I spoke she was rude, she would maneuver in front of me so I could not sit down. My best friend said nothing. Not a word. Not one word.
I was crushed. I was so hurt. I thought of my daughter and my eyes welled up. My daughter loved my best friend, what would she think if she saw this. I knew right then and there everything had changed and I was not coming back.
I could no longer put with this nut in my life, even though this two-bit tramp was a small part of my day, my bf was a huge part of my life. Unfortunately they were related. I also realized our friendship didn't warrant my bf sticking up for me and taking a stand for our friendship by telling her niece enough was enough. On that day I saw where I stood, and it was alone.
I also knew that I was so angry that I needed to leave the situation. I did not want my child to see any more of the behavior from the niece and from my bf. If it was upsetting confusing for me, it would be even more confusing and upsetting to her. So I left and never went back. Without my knowing it, I had taken one of the first steps to getting better.
A couple of years ago, I started going through a rough time. It started about roughly the end of 2007 , beginning of 2008. Also during that time I had started putting on weight, it was like I was on a opposite diet. Instead of the less I eat the more weight I lose, it was the less I eat the more weight I put on, I had ended a relationship and I felt like crap. My best friend has a coffee shop that I went to everyday and we would talk, sometimes for hours and other times just for an hour. There are several people that go in there on a regular basis so it is almost like a little community. During the time I was beginning to hit a wall, my bf's mom was in the process of moving in with her and her sister. My bf sister lives in Texas with her husband and daughter, so they had come to Chicago to figure out the situation with her mom. At that time the niece, moved to Chicago. Now, I had met this girl a couple of times and she seemed okay. She was very thin, with capped teeth, a long face and she was very loud. Her parents are well to do, so you would come to the conclusion that perhaps she was spoiled and that could explain some of her behavior. She was not right, too old to behaving the way she did, but it is my best friend's niece, so she was tolerable.
After the niece moved to Chicago she came to the coffee shop just about everyday. She was very loud, crazy loud, the kind of loud you know people are doing for attention and they think they are so funny, cute and witty but they really obnoxious. In talking to her it seemed she knew everything and that her word was gospel. . I think back to that time and I can see it in my mind, God, just writing about her is uncomfortably exhausting.
After she had been here a little bit, I was beginning to sense that she wasn't to keen on me, but that was okay, because I didn't care about her, she was nothing to me. I could see that my bf was uncomfortable too. We talked and I told her that I was fine, it would all work out and not to worry. Boy, was I wrong.
The niece started coming in the shop all the time, she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome as well as uncomfortable. When she came in and I was there she would give me dirty looks, then sit down a seat away from me and slam her stuff down. I would talk and she interrupt me then start speaking in Greek. She would be so loud it was awful. Even when my daughter was with me she went out of her way to be rude. I wanted to be a good example for my child and not respond to her actions. She ran other customers out because she was so loud and spoke in Greek, when anyone started to talk to her aunt, she would interject in Greek. It was so ill-mannered. Ugh! I can picture her smug, ugly face and hear her voice, I have a headache now.
She was putting so much pressure on my bf to stop talking to me and hanging around with me it was sad. I could see the strain on my bf, she would just shake her head at me when her niece came in. If my bf talked about me and the niece was there she would start in about me. This woman was so childish and bad-mannered. Her behavior was bad it made you wonder if something was mentally wrong with her and why didn't her parents help her, after all her father is a physician. I also thought what kind of mother raises a person like this. Up until that time, with the exceptions of a marriage or two, she lived with her parents, now they knew how she behaved. Maybe they were tired though, just because someone needs help, if they are of legal age you can't force them to take it.
Finally after a few months of this our friendship was beginning to feel the strain. I went into the shop one day and Maggie, the niece was sitting near the coffee bar with a few other patrons. Every time I spoke she was rude, she would maneuver in front of me so I could not sit down. My best friend said nothing. Not a word. Not one word.
I was crushed. I was so hurt. I thought of my daughter and my eyes welled up. My daughter loved my best friend, what would she think if she saw this. I knew right then and there everything had changed and I was not coming back.
I could no longer put with this nut in my life, even though this two-bit tramp was a small part of my day, my bf was a huge part of my life. Unfortunately they were related. I also realized our friendship didn't warrant my bf sticking up for me and taking a stand for our friendship by telling her niece enough was enough. On that day I saw where I stood, and it was alone.
I also knew that I was so angry that I needed to leave the situation. I did not want my child to see any more of the behavior from the niece and from my bf. If it was upsetting confusing for me, it would be even more confusing and upsetting to her. So I left and never went back. Without my knowing it, I had taken one of the first steps to getting better.
Days No. 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, & 30 Self-Worth
Hello!!!
I am alive & well. I finally got some good rest and I am ready and rearing to go. Last Friday I laid down for a nap at 2:00 p.m. and I woke up at 11:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now that you know what happened and I am on this side of the dirt, I will get down to the nitty gritty.
As I write this my stomach is in a knot. I have been faced with the inevitable and I don't know how to handle the situation. I ran into a ill-bred woman who was responsible for a break of a friendship that was very dear to me, I considered this woman to be a best-friend, but the ill-bread woman is her niece, and caused a tremendous amount of trouble between us, hence we stopped talking.. Since the break my bf has stopped talking to her niece due to something else. My friend and I are now talking and the ill-bred woman started talking to my bf again and today she came into her establishment. I was there and I saw her, I had to leave there so fast because the amount of anger I felt was over-whelming.
Gotta go, I have to calm down.
I am alive & well. I finally got some good rest and I am ready and rearing to go. Last Friday I laid down for a nap at 2:00 p.m. and I woke up at 11:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now that you know what happened and I am on this side of the dirt, I will get down to the nitty gritty.
As I write this my stomach is in a knot. I have been faced with the inevitable and I don't know how to handle the situation. I ran into a ill-bred woman who was responsible for a break of a friendship that was very dear to me, I considered this woman to be a best-friend, but the ill-bread woman is her niece, and caused a tremendous amount of trouble between us, hence we stopped talking.. Since the break my bf has stopped talking to her niece due to something else. My friend and I are now talking and the ill-bred woman started talking to my bf again and today she came into her establishment. I was there and I saw her, I had to leave there so fast because the amount of anger I felt was over-whelming.
Gotta go, I have to calm down.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Day No. 24
Wow, I can't believe I am writing at 10:09 pm, it's early for me. Usually I am scrambling at the computer all flustered because of the time. I was cleaning before I sat down and of course I was thinking. I was/am thinking about settling, abuse, change and action. To look at it in print it seems scattered. Trust me, it's not.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
I have been through a lot in the past few years, spine surgeries, recovery, the death of my husband, abuse, death of my fiance, and so on. I really keep moving, I try to look at the positive and keep my chin up. For a lot of years I didn't get the option to do anything else, I had two children, I had to work and keep going. After my husband died I felt grief, terrible, awful, bone-crushing, heart shattering grief. I wanted to die type of grief. But again, I had two children, so I had to be strong and move forward. Within those few years a lot of life happened, some good, some bad, and a lot in between. Unbeknownst to me, I feel I started to unravel a bit. At first it was small, a little snag here, a little tear there, since I was so used to "bucking up" I brushed it off and kept going. All the while the hits and the cracks and the snags and the tears kept coming, till I no longer had any bootstraps to pull myself up by. I just found myself going down, down, down, deeper and deeper. In early 2008, as I look back, I believe that is the point I just started to go down, further and deeper. Without even realizing it, I was in a free fall.
Last October I started to look for a therapist. Believe me I was not keen on this idea. I had been through so much without one, why should I start now? It felt like a weakness to even mull the suggestion around, it felt even worse to accept the idea and even more worse to see a therapist! I found a great therapist, Dr. Diane Powers, and I have never looked back. She has been a godsend. Through her I have been able to stay somewhat sane.
The reason I mention all of this is because as I start to come out of the fog and into the clear I look back and realize that I did some and got myself into some less than ideal situations. As I start to get my balance back situations and instances that I tolerated before are no longer tolerable. Such as I would not forgo my feelings so the man I was dating would be happy. I would not put myself in the position of relying on someone else because they said everything would be taken care of regarding my health and welfare. I would not tolerate bullshit, from anyone, just to keep the peace. It is painful to look back on my life and realize that a lot of my financial pain and emotional unrest are of my own making. So, I keep going everyday, doing the next right thing, work on myself and see my therapist every week, and every week I get stronger. Which brings me to my next dilemma. Home. I live with my children, one is in high school and the other is well out of high school and works. As I write this I struggle, because I love my kids, but when does my sanity become more important than someone else's insanity. I am tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I realize that there are mitigating circumstances in my son's life. But shit, don't we all have mitigating circumstances?
I can no longer be responsible for his welfare and I cannot be a dumping ground. I am tired and I feel like this is my last hurdle. I see the exit often and I turn around and walk right back into the bs. Please God, please, give me strength, help me to do the right thing, no matter how painful. I love him with all my heart but I can't continue like this. It is affecting everything I do, from cleaning the house, to opening my mail. I just sit in my island so I stay out of the fray. Please God, give me strength, I want to be better, I want him to be better and I want my daughter to be happy. Please God, give me the courage to do the right thing. Please. Oh, my God, please. Oh, man this hurts.
Well, I guess I will go to bed, and pray. Good night.
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